Tramps Like Us, Part One, Stealth Mode Mission
March 10, 2008 by admin
Filed under living with me
One week from today on March 17, while the rest of America is eating Lucky Charms and drinking green beer, I will be Dancing an Irish Jig in the Dark at the Bradley Center watching Bruce O’Springsteen and the O’E Street Band.
Tickets went on sale November 26, 2007, at 10:00 a.m. and we (Hi J.C.) were ready with Internet access and a charge card. Now J.C. (not her real name, but her real initials) is a secretary for local school. She’s a good girl, a hard worker, with an appropriate amount of respect for authority, but when it comes to the tickets for the Boss, NO BOUNDARIES WHATSOEVER.
See, we had it all covered. J.C. was going to slip into stealth mode and order the tickets via illegal-use-of-the-Internet while I was distracting the crowd of parents that are usually jumbled around her office at any given moment of any given day.
November 26 was a Monday, just like any other Monday. I arrived as scheduled and watches were once again resynchronized at 9:50 a.m. The original schronization occurred about an hour earlier before I got in the shower, and again before I left the house.
First parent I needed to clear was a Total Babbler and didn’t even have kids at our school. She’s a Scrapbook Supply Dealer preying on the not-yet-addicted, begging them to book a party for the good of the nation.
Dealer: If you use all of our products, the world will be a better place.
J.C.: I am not really ready to commit to a party. We just moved.
Dealer: What a great time to organize your photos!
J.C.: Seriously, I haven’t even started Christmas shopping, I can’t take time to do a scrapbooking party right now.
Dealer: You could get most of your Christmas shopping done at your own party and earn ninety-five percent of your original sixteen percent profit back within the first thirty minutes of your party if six people book parties to be held within the first forty-five days of the new year.
Me: You look familiar, do your kids go to this school?
Dealer: No, mine go to Jackson (may or may not be the real school). I am from J.C.’s old neighborhood and I saw through the window at her previous home that she had a photograph on the wall and therefore I think she may be interested in scrapbooking for pleasure and profit.
Me In My Head: Your pleasure and your profit.
Me In The Real World: Look, from now until eleven this morning is crunch time on Mondays, can you give her a call in the evening and go over this?
Me In My Head: Because at home she has caller i.d. and can screen her calls and keep you out of her personal space, unlike here.
Me In My Head and maybe Me In The Real World: WTF?
Now, I am feeling sassy, like David Spade on a SNL skit, Buh-Bye. One down, countless to go.
Enter Cupcake Mom.
Cupcake: Hi J.C., Hi Carrie. I’m just dropping off Lucinda Maria’s birthday treat. There are twenty kids in her class and I picked up twenty-four cupcakes and I am not sure if I did the right thing or not. That only leaves little Lucinda Maria with three extra cupcakes and what if she needs more extra cupcakes, I wonder if I should go back and get more of the extra cupcakes.
Me In My Head: Pronunciation: \ˈek-strə\. Function: adjective. Date: 1757. Definition: more than is due, usual, or necessary. EXTRA! They are EXTRA … you can’t get the wrong amount of EXTRA cupcakes. This isn’t a new concept, for two and a half centures humans have been able to understand and appreciate this word EXTRA, what don’t you understand?
Me In The Real World: I am sure Lucinda Maria with be pleased with whatever you bring.
Cupcake: Well, I just want to be sure she has the freedom to give cupcakes to whomever she wishes.
Me In My Head: Freedom? You’ve created a prison for little Lucinda Maria because you can’t make up your own mind she’ll never be able to make up her own mind. Better get the little girl start her journal right now because if she accurately documents her life now you can save counseling dollars down the road.
Me In The Real World: You’ve done the right thing. I’ll deliver these fantastic looking cupcakes to her class right now and I am sure she will be very appreciative with this amount of cupcakes.
Ah hah, Buh-Bye. Buh-Bye.
The parade of misfits continue but I am sure you get my point here. A school secretary is always public domain. Sometimes they need to do something sneaky like buying concert tickets while at work and we, as parents, make it almost impossible.
Tomorrow: Tramps Like Us, Part Two, Actual Time Vs. Ticketmaster Time
