I Invented A.S.S.
February 18, 2010 by admin
Filed under living with me
I have a reputation for operating a squeaky clean place. I may or may not deserve that reputation, but that’s the word around the blogosphere. I have revealed my unhealthy respect for authority countless times. Look at me with crossed-eyes and I spill so much information that it takes a Hazardous Waste team to get things clean again.
For example, although we are on the no-call list sometimes solicitors sneak through the “system” and manage to find me.
*Disclaimer: If you are an amputated veteran or know one or love one or know a neighbor who might have an accountant that is one I apologize in advance.
I routinely get calls from the *Amputated Veteran’s Society (not their real name) asking me for money because these amputated vets needs stuff. I usually zone out once they start talking about light bulbs and garbage bags for sale but I wake up again when they ask if I can help in just a small way by purchasing three cases of their products (available in any combination).
*These callers are never amputated vets themselves. They just try to talk like one. I have nothing against vets. I swear. I tear up when I see really big American flags, I stand the entire time during most parades. I stand out of respect but also because the constant up and down, up and down, up and down thing get me crazy. I even cry during that one coffee commercial where the vet secretly comes home and wakes up his parents with the smell of fresh brand name coffee on Christmas morning. That soldier’s parents are all cheerful where I would have been angry because I don’t like surprises no matter how much I missed my kid. Oh, I put my hand on my heart during the Pledge of Allegiance AND the National Anthem. That’s serious respect, people.
Anyway, while I am on the telephone I am wondering what the veterans actually need and why can’t we just have a concerned friend of a real amputated veteran put together a grocery list of requests and we could send them magazines or videos and whatever else it is instead of us having to buy stuff we don’t really need.
So, my mind is rambling and even though I was thinking this In My Head I must have announced it aloud to the caller. I told the American Veteran’s Society that about ten minutes earlier I donated fifty dollars to the American Starfish Society (A.S.S.) because they have the ability to grow new limbs and the starfish are trying to help the amputated veterans.
Caller: Are you sure?
Me: Yes, I am sure. I am sure starfish can grow new limbs and I am sure I gave them fifty dollars via PayPal. The A.S.S. explained that since starfish can grow new limbs they should learn more about starfish and help all the amputated people in the world and not limit themselves to veterans.
Caller: Silence.
Me: Hello?
Caller: I was not aware of this program.
Me: Now that’s a surprise because I thought A.S.S. was International, maybe they should concentrate their efforts in your area. A.S.S. is where it is at, I’m telling you now.
And our conversation concludes. And I wasn’t asked for anymore money. And then I realize that maybe I, too, could be a scammer during these tough economic times.
I am not saying the caller for the amputated vets was scamming, I had a revelation that I might be really good at scamming. I’ve got a quick enough mind to take people in directions they never saw coming. Up until now I have used that power for good. That is, until I invented A.S.S.
Here’s a few more of my invented organizations:
Santa Has Icky Teeth (S.H.I.T.) By donating to me I could help all the mall Santa’s get their teeth whiter and brighter and even teach them how to enhance their smile.
Common Rodents Are People Too (CRAP2). I would just work off of PETA’s mailing list on this one. Ka-Ching.
People Have Unnecessarily Clean Kitchens (P.H.U.C.K.). By purchasing my not-quite perfect sanitizing products they could keep the right amount of germs necessary so our bodies are experience the inability to fight bacteria. If you would like more information on that you can take a nominally priced on-line course entitled People Have Unnecessarily Clean Kitchens Education (P.H.U.C.K.ed).
Now, who wants to be on my call list? I can add your name for a small fee.
Care Bear,
How ironic you would now be writing about anachronisms. You remember a couple of years ago when we talked about charitable donations being made to the park. People so enjoyed the experience and wanted to preserve it, enhance it. So we decided to start a fund that people could donate to and we named it; ‘Carrie Has A Magnificent Park’. The fund has been very popular and has grown tremendously. C.H.A.M.P. has allowed us to expand our summer stage and seating bowl and bathrooms. Don’t forget the pier we did last year. One if the most beautiful and largest in the midwest – all thanks to C.H.A.M.P.
Because C.H.A.M.P. has become such a large part of the success of the park, we decided to erect a billboard at the park entrance from the east road. We took that photo that was taken last summer while at the beach (I think it was on the 4th of July)(You were wearing a really cute black two piece swim suit). The photo worked especially well on the billboard because you were waving your hand and for those coming into the park, it looked like you were welcoming them and for those leaving, it looked like you were saying good bye. So, along with that photo on the billboard we reminded our visitors about the fund with the name; Carrie Has A Magnificent Park.
Well, we just got the billboard up and completed last month during the January thaw – and wouldn’t you know it . . . already someone has come along and vandalized it. Fortunately, it was only a minor change. They crossed out the word ‘Park’ and wrote in ‘Pair’!
Park Ranger Tommy K
You are hilarious!!
This was great! I’m sitting here trying to come up with a similarly clever acronym but I am failing miserably. Your trophy will be arriving soon.
You are extremely funny! Thanks..because I needed a few good laughs this morning. Never mind that the kids think i’m nuttier now that I’m laughing at the computer.
Well played, indeed, Carrie. I can just imagine the dumbfounded work on that poor telemarketer’s face!!!
Care Bear,
Just got a call Mariah Carey. She said she is considering making a ‘sizable donation’ to the C.H.A.M.P. Fund. While we were discussing her possible donation, she brought up the subject of how we promote our fund. She thought our saying, Carrie Has A Magnificent Park, could be improved. You know Mariah from dealing with her in the past when she was a big part of our entertainment in the summer of ’08. It’s no secret she is a diva, wants things just HER way (that husband must be a saint). She thinks she has extensive knowledge about promotion. She said she has spent a lifetime successfully promoting her music and herself and she loves Stuckmann Park and wants us to take advantage of her experience and expertise.
She feels that when we say; Carrie Has A Magnificent Park – we don’t hit the right notes. It’s too general. We have to speak to specifics. Words that triger a responce – elicit a reaction – inspire. She even said that if we would consider her idea, she would increase the amount of her donation.
So, I asked her what she would create for our slogan. She gave me four inspirational words that actually apply to the Stuckmann Wild Life Park and Camping Emporium (and curiously to Mariah as well); Trees, Impertubation, Trails, Streams.
From the snowy Stuckmann Park ranger house,
An inspired Tommy K
Sign me up for PHUCK ed! I also get tired of telemarketers, even the charities. I am not made of money!
BTW Carrie, I have nominated you for a Beautiful Blogger award. Please pop by and claim it and pass it on! http://mizdinah.blogspot.com/2010/02/and-award-goes-to.html