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I Invented A.S.S.

I have a reputation for operating a squeaky clean place. I may or may not deserve that reputation, but that’s the word around the blogosphere. I have revealed my unhealthy respect for authority countless times. Look at me with crossed-eyes and I spill so much information that it takes a Hazardous Waste team to get things clean again.

For example, although we are on the no-call list sometimes solicitors sneak through the “system” and manage to find me.

*Disclaimer: If you are an amputated veteran or know one or love one or know a neighbor who might have an accountant that is one I apologize in advance.

I routinely get calls from the *Amputated Veteran’s Society (not their real name) asking me for money because these amputated vets needs stuff. I usually zone out once they start talking about light bulbs and garbage bags for sale but I wake up again when they ask if I can help in just a small way by purchasing three cases of their products (available in any combination).

*These callers are never amputated vets themselves. They just try to talk like one. I have nothing against vets. I swear. I tear up when I see really big American flags, I stand the entire time during most parades. I stand out of respect but also because the constant up and down, up and down, up and down thing get me crazy. I even cry during that one coffee commercial where the vet secretly comes home and wakes up his parents with the smell of fresh brand name coffee on Christmas morning. That soldier’s parents are all cheerful where I would have been angry because I don’t like surprises no matter how much I missed my kid. Oh, I put my hand on my heart during the Pledge of Allegiance AND the National Anthem. That’s serious respect, people.

Anyway, while I am on the telephone I am wondering what the veterans actually need and why can’t we just have a concerned friend of a real amputated veteran put together a grocery list of requests and we could send them magazines or videos and whatever else it is instead of us having to buy stuff we don’t really need.

So, my mind is rambling and even though I was thinking this In My Head I must have announced it aloud to the caller. I told the American Veteran’s Society that about ten minutes earlier I donated fifty dollars to the American Starfish Society (A.S.S.) because they have the ability to grow new limbs and the starfish are trying to help the amputated veterans.

Caller: Are you sure?

Me: Yes, I am sure. I am sure starfish can grow new limbs and I am sure I gave them fifty dollars via PayPal. The A.S.S. explained that since starfish can grow new limbs they should learn more about starfish and help all the amputated people in the world and not limit themselves to veterans.

Caller: Silence.

Me: Hello?

Caller: I was not aware of this program.

Me: Now that’s a surprise because I thought A.S.S. was International, maybe they should concentrate their efforts in your area. A.S.S. is where it is at, I’m telling you now.

And our conversation concludes. And I wasn’t asked for anymore money. And then I realize that maybe I, too, could be a scammer during these tough economic times.

I am not saying the caller for the amputated vets was scamming, I had a revelation that I might be really good at scamming. I’ve got a quick enough mind to take people in directions they never saw coming. Up until now I have used that power for good. That is, until I invented A.S.S.

Here’s a few more of my invented organizations:

Santa Has Icky Teeth (S.H.I.T.) By donating to me I could help all the mall Santa’s get their teeth whiter and brighter and even teach them how to enhance their smile.

Common Rodents Are People Too (CRAP2). I would just work off of PETA’s mailing list on this one. Ka-Ching.

People Have Unnecessarily Clean Kitchens (P.H.U.C.K.). By purchasing my not-quite perfect sanitizing products they could keep the right amount of germs necessary so our bodies are experience the inability to fight bacteria. If you would like more information on that you can take a nominally priced on-line course entitled People Have Unnecessarily Clean Kitchens Education (P.H.U.C.K.ed).

Now, who wants to be on my call list? I can add your name for a small fee.