Idiopathic Fears, Unintentional Vehicular Manslaughter — Scenarios 1 and 2
May 21, 2010 by admin
Filed under living with me
Unintentional Vehicular Manslaughter. Just the fact that manslaughter ends in the word laughter should be enough to make me think I don’t need to worry about it, but I do.
It takes a great deal of effort to be an attentive driver and I really do try hard to do my best. My idiopathic fear doesn’t involve me driving, it involves a stationery or almost stationery vehicle.
Scenario 1: Providing someone on a bike with an untimely death. I picture myself in a freshly parked vehicle , arranging my purse, making sure I have my keys and opening my door (I guess in my head the vehicle is always a van because the door is really huge) … and into the open door flies a speed demon bicycle rider. You know the kind, they are hunched over their handlebars because their skin tight clothes will not allow them to sit straight. These serious biker-types are a unique breed. Did you know that they even sell bike shorts that have gel packs in the butt region so their rear ends ___________________. I don’t know what purpose the gel insert serves. Just choose one of the items below to complete that sentence.
* Don’t fall asleep.
* Remain supple.
* Don’t stay in the shape of a bike seat when they get off.
* Absorb residual gas odor.
I just don’t have time right now to understand these gel inserts and I don’t want to get side tracked.
Scenario 2: Improper use of the parking break and causing an untimely pedestrian death. I am usually parked facing the down side of a hill, I hop into my vehicle and release the parking break but my vehicle has so much pent up energy from sitting that way for a long, long time that it lunges forward with a life of its own and I strike down the innocent victim crossing the street. Usually the innocent victim has waited for the stop light to turn green in their favor and they are within the yellow lines of the crosswalk. Once in my mind the car rolled backwards down a hill which wouldn’t have been bad but in my head I thought it was winter and the car careened into a group of sledders politely waiting their turn.
Generally, the law is lenient with those that commit unintentional vehicular manslaughter, but that will stop when it is my turn. In my head I will be used as an example for the rest of society and they throw the book at me. I receive a punishment that is so severe that they have no choice but to feature it as a “ripped from the headlines episode of Law and Order” and I make a cameo appearance at the end of the episode telling people to use alternative transportation such as the bus or trolley where they will only be ten percent accountable for someones untimely death because of the fact that they were present at the time and not solely responsible.
Just don’t try driving in China. Just yesterday, I almost took out three bike riders and a goat herder. And I watched two people, on two separate occasions, cross against traffic, then stop walking, right in the path on an oncoming bus, avoiding the bus bumpers by mere inches.
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Oh my goodness you are hysterically funny (I think). I love your writing style.
I am visiting via Mrs. 4444′s contest and I hope when you get a chance you will come by and say hello to me.
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