sand pail by sand pail

I always wanted a horse.

Birthdays, Christmases.

Politely, year after year, I asked for a horse.

I never imagined any further than actually wanting it, I just wanted it.

***

Our neighborhood streets were lined with tall, full chestnut trees. The roots of the massive trees would cause the sidewalks to erupt into a variety of dangerous angles. And on top of the disheveled sidewalk were the fallen chestnuts, more chestnuts than you could imagine.

We collected the chestnuts in small plastic sand pails and then transferred them into a metal washtub in the backyard where we’d spend hours processing our haul. Before peeling, the chestnuts needed sorting. They certainly did not fall from the tree in a ready-to-be peeled state. As we sorted, we watched for the best ones. The “split greens” were favorites because those were the easiest to peel. They most likely held the doubles, too … smooth, shiny, a pair of chestnuts butting up against each other so tightly it gave the illusion of just one … less elusive than a falling star but definitely just as magical.

Once all the split chestnuts were separated and peeled, we’d wait a day and hopefully more would split overnight. It rarely happened, but we still wished.

The next morning we’d dive in again. Collect, sort, split. Day after day.

Eventually, we’d use bricks to smash the prickly stubborn shells open. We’d arrange the chestnuts on the sidewalk, stand on a picnic bench, and drop the brick onto the chestnut shells hoping the stubborn outer casing would finally crack.

Towards the garage, there were old screens set on top of cinderblocks. We’d lay the peeled chestnuts in a single layer on the screens. We’d watch them, we’d rotate them, and if any of them developed worms we’d scoop them up with our plastic sand shovels and pitch them into the alley.

The outer shells eventually ended up in the neighbor’s compost pile along with old tomatoes, coffee grounds, assorted egg shells, apple cores, and orange peels.

Once dried, the chestnuts went into brown paper bags and sat on the shelf in the garage.

And when the leaves were off the trees and the temperatures started to drop significantly but before the snow fell, that’s when we used the old paint-splattered step ladder to haul the paper bags down, one at a time, from the garage shelf and empty them into the old wooden coal bin on the side of the house.

And sand pail by sand pail, we’d return the dried chestnuts to the front yard for the squirrels. We’d walk up and down our block and disperse our harvest for the those that hadn’t planned as properly as they should have.

***

That color, the dark brown of a dried chestnut, that’s the color horse I wanted.

NaBloPoMo November 2016

nativity small

small nativity, children display item – candid re-sale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


nativity small

(SOLD)
Small Nativity, Children’s Display Item
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

It’s hard to put a price on Jesus, but that is exactly what I’m going to do today.

When closed, this little nativity scene is a mere 5.5″ tall and 7″ wide and it can safely house Baby Jesus and his posse. Open, we are looking at a full 14″ inches and that is plenty of room for two sheep, a camel, three wise men, an angel, the obligatory shepherd, and the Holiest of all families, Mary, Joseph, and sweet baby Jesus.

Now this nativity, although it is ridiculously cute and appealing to children of all ages, is more for display than for actual action-type rough-and-tumble biblical reenactment.

Need a little Jesus in your life? Look no further, he’s right here. And as soon as you open your wallet, he can be with you.

Amen.

 

NaBloPoMo November 2015

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baby monitor, three pieces – candid re-sale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


20151128_185410-1(SOLD)
Baby Monitor, three pieces
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

And now you can eavesdrop on your children with greater convenience!

Do you spend your day running your ass off between the kitchen and the laundry room? Are your arms too weak from rocking and nurturing to carry a monitor from room to room to room?

I’m going to tell you that this is life-altering. I’m going to tell you that this is the greatest thing since your first beer after nine months of pregnancy. I’m going to tell you just about anything to get this out of my home.

NaBloPoMo November 2015

picmonkey_image

name-brand surround sound – candid-resale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


 

picmonkey_image(SOLD)
Name-Brand Surround Sound System
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

Are you crazy in love with the deep, rich, exciting experience of watching your favorite movies in surround sound? Do you love the sound of scary movies when you feel like the movie’s lead creepy-murdering-guy has just opened the door right behind you?

Well, that’s not going to happen with this system, that’s for sure. There are, however, many speakers and oodles of wires, a special remote, and maybe what looks like a receiver along with an instruction manual. I don’t know. I’m talented in other areas and I cannot figure out this shit, that’s for sure.

So, for the low price of zero dollars, you can take home this what-used-to-be-state-of-the-art-top-notch surround system.

Here are the rules!

1. Don’t ask me if it still works. It did, it used to, and it was delightful in a teen’s bedroom. He thought he was all it and then some. It increased his popularity.

2. I want it gone. Soon. Like for realz, yo. If you say you are going to be here to pick it up, then be here. This is some [potentially] good shit I’m offering here. Don’t string me along with four pick-up times in three days and then just vanish. I used to be super nice. Some of you wore me out and ruined it for everyone else. I’m not super nice anymore, I’m just average nice.

3. Again, I do not know if it works. Got that? If you get it home and it doesn’t work … don’t be mad at me. Re-read this shit and say to yourself, “Bitch said it might not work, she seemed cool though. She’s honest and fair.”

In conclusion, I do not know if this works, I would like it out of my home, don’t jerk me around.

NaBloPoMo November 2015

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baby seat – candid re-sale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.

 


12208296_10208461444520664_5776884587182932101_n(SOLD)
Baby Seat
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

Strap your baby in and tell them they need to kick their legs because these seat is old school.

Gas an issue? This seat has three speeds: none, low, and high. Determine your baby’s gas level … are we talking about a tiny burp, do we need just a little help wiggling it out, set it in low gear. Something a little more intense? Crank it to high and let the good vibrations do their thing.

This chair is obviously well used and batteries are not included (but I did test it with new batteries and it worked great but I’m not giving you my batteries because then I’d have to jack up the price, am I right?. I’m almost begging you to take this from my  home. This just might be exactly what you need to stop your baby from crying. I don’t know your baby, so that’s just a guess and not a guarantee.

NaBloPoMo November 2015

turkey

gratitude, free to a good home – candid re-sale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


 

turkey(SOLD)
Gratitude, free to a good home.
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

Hey, Happy Thanksgiving. Today I am ridiculously and shamelessly grateful for all of you.

This week I have been receiving the most awesome messages via Facebook chat. You guys have been showing me pictures of my stuff in your homes and on your kids and dogs … I couldn’t be happier.

I’ve also received a metric shit ton of compliments on my writing style and, well, that’s [almost] worth more than the money I received from y’all while I’ve been cleaning out my attic.

I’m crazy grateful to C.C. for forcing me to watch her sales go sliding on through my timeline and seducing me into placing my first item. And thanks to H.H. for giving me a legit writing job with a legit Sheboygan business.

And you guys that are giving to those in need, you are beyond wicked cool. You’ve inspired me to reach out to countless others and have privately gifted to items to those who couldn’t throw together enough money for to buy a pot to piss in. Not literally. I did not gift them a pot to piss in but you get what I’m talking about here.

So here’s to us … the thrifters, the givers, the dreamers, and me.

Cheers!

P.S. I’ve only gone through 1/4 of the attic. And when that’s done I’ve got a basement and a storage unit, too.

NaBloPoMo November 2015

2015-11-21 15.04.14

sheets, twin – candid re-sale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


2015-11-21 15.04.14(SOLD)
Twin Sheets
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

Check out these sheets, greenest green you’ve ever seen!

These sheets are ridiculously soft because of the magic of microfiber. No rips, no tears, no obvious worn spots … it is almost as though angels slept on these sheets, just hovering right above and never making contact.

NaBloPoMo November 2015

2015-11-07 12.30.36

two very loud “musical” instruments – candid re-sale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


2015-11-07 12.30.36(SOLD)
Two Very Loud “Musical” Instruments
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

Fisher Price and Little Tikes have combined their efforts in an attempt to drive me insane.

Unfortunately, these two “instruments” are still functioning. Fortunately, I’d love to have them functioning in someone else’s home.

Each one of these gems has a tiny glitch to them, like the bow is missing on the faux violin. And the gee-tahr might have a glitch with the on/off switch.

If your child is young enough to enjoy making noise, they certainly won’t notice those problems. Batteries are not included, you can thank me later for that …

Everyone knows Dave Grohl got his start in a garage band. Let’s move these items out of my home and over to your place so your toddler can get started with his first jam session / play group.

And if this turns into a real thing, I want a solid mention on the album liner notes.

NaBloPoMo November 2015

PicMonkey CollagePilgrim

pilgrim costume, you’re welcome – candid re-sale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


 

PicMonkey CollagePilgrim(SOLD)
Pilgrim Costume, you’re welcome.
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

Sometimes when you love your children, I mean really really LOVE your children, you work very hard to make their holiday dreams come true.

Even when that holiday dream means wearing a pilgrim costume to their elementary school’s “authentic” holiday feast.

I used to be that parent. Now, not so much. Now I’m selling the remnants of their childhood dreams for dollars. I have become *that* parent.

What we’ve got here is the finest four piece homemade pilgrim costume from the parenting era that I like to call, “The Time I Gave a Damn.”

I’ve got a couple of kids left at home and they both refused to model this hat. Oh, sure … they pranced around with it on before school this morning but the second I attempted to grab a picture they vanished.

Now, I’m not saying your kid has a head like a basketball and a neck as thick as a roll of Kirkland (shout out to Costco!) paper towel, but if your biggest problem this Thanksgiving was finding a pilgrim hat to fit your child … well, I’ve got you covered.

Cons: Absolutely none.

Pro: One size fits most. I’m saying take off the apron that was loving tied in a back bow and you’ve got plenty of room for even the widest of children. Did I say your child was wide? No. But if they were wide with a head the size of a basketball and a neck as thick as a role of Kirkland paper towel … well, I’ve got you covered.

Pro: These are four separate pieces. That black dress can pave the way to a multitude of costumes. You’ve got the base of your witch costume right there. You need a nun costume for God only knows what, check that off your list. Oh, and that elementary school trip that everyone takes to the Heritage House? Yes, your child can be the best vintage kid ever. Just add a paper sack full of apples, carrots, and a hunk o’ cheese. BAM, you’re done.

Pro: You’ve taken this from my home.

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red four piece ceramic canister set – candid re-sale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


 

20151123_085619(SOLD)
Red Four Piece Ceramic Canister Set
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

Sometimes when you buy Christmas presents, you hide them so well in your attic that you do not find them for years. And that’s all the backstory you are getting on this one.

Stop judging me.

Here’s the deal. This box was unopened but was dented on the side. I opened the box to survey the damage and there (ta da!) is none. Well, none that I can see. Inside the big box are two smaller boxes that are wrapped and sealed shut. I didn’t open any further than the first box.

OK, I justed used a lot of words to say that to the best of my knowledge this entire product is intact. Old, and intact.

Let’s get this out of my home and onto your kitchen counter. Or give it as a Christmas present to someone you love. Or like. Or feel obligated to give them a decent gift but you don’t want to spend more than a couple of bucks on them because you still aren’t sure if they are even getting you a gift.

NaBloPoMo November 2015