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my first thong

I went to my friend Barbara Christine’s house for a well-deserved night out. Sure, we spend a lot of time on the phone but our “In Real Life” moments were, at that time, rare. We plopped down next to each other on the same love seat, and it felt like home. And I do not mean literally home, but more like when I slid into that love seat next to her I felt like I just ran the bases at Miller Stadium and did a fabulous slide into home plate. That kind of home.

Barbara Christine knows just about everything there is to know about me because for the greatest part of it, she was right there. In my old neighborhood, you could see the second and third-floor of her home from my second-floor front bedroom window. That is until the trees came into bloom. We were constantly lending each other flour, sugar, dish soap, even Hershey’s Kisses.

At least a decade ago, Barb and I were supposed to attend the same neighborhood Christmas party and I was so far behind on my laundry that I didn’t think I would have clean unders in time for the event.

We laughed and joked about it, saying that I might just have to go to this very Christian holiday gathering without any underwear because my washer and dryer were old and decrepit. They ran slowly, didn’t wring things out adequately, and took forever to dry because the heating element was just about shot.  As usual, we discussed our clothing options, continually returning to the fact that I may not be attending because of my lack of unders.

That evening, Barb and I arrived at the party within minutes of each other. “Do you have on underwear?” she asked. I started laughing, “Of course, I do.”

Now, typically I consider myself to be as religious as the next guy but this neighborhood Christmas party was taking place in the home of the most religious people I know. Oodles of parishioners were in attendance along with a decent assortment of priests.

The children from this house were begging to put Baby Jesus  into his manger before Christmas morning. Eventually, one of the older priests who may have gotten tired of the whining said that it would be alright if Baby Jesus laid in his manger for a couple of hours and then got “put away” again.

For this particular family to allow Baby Jesus to get to the manger before Christmas morning is a HUGE ordeal. My personal preference would be to have Baby Jesus out all year long because I love the wide-eyed open-armed look of Him with the glowing halo. It used to bother me the way Baby Jesus had eyes that followed you where ever you were in the room, but I got over that during my mid-thirties. How? Simply put, if you don’t make eye contact with Baby Jesus, you tell can no longer see where the holiest of all holy cherubs is looking.

So as we all gather around the Christmas tree and the three wise guys and their camels get moved closer and closer, the room gets more and more quiet. I understand that once The Star became visible the Christ Posse had more of a purpose and couldda/shouldda/wouldda picked up some speed once they were given permission to arrive earlier than planned, but this re-enactment needed to be more accurate because Good Wise Men never arrive early. Even to get there on time is nothing short of a miracle itself.

And Barbara Christine whispers in my ear, “Did you get your laundry done? Do you have clean underwear?” And I whispered back to her, “Maybe I am swaddled in the only available cloth just like Baby Jesus.”

Thus began the inappropriate laughing which could not be contained. Granted, watching these near teen-aged children moving camels across a white sheet underneath the Christmas Tree had me on the edge already. “We Three Kings” was playing on a cassette player in the dining room and I knew we had to get hysteria under control because after all, this was supposed to be a reflective time.

So I pinched the inside of Barbara Christine’s arm and motioned with my head that we should mosey on over towards the source of the music thinking that if we stand on the opposite side of the boom box our snickering and giggling would be veiled. Well, that would have been a fine plan if there hadn’t been extension cords laying all over the place to keep all the crock pots and roasters warmed and ready to go. All Christians know that nothing symbolizes the safe arrival of Baby Jesus like piping hot cocktail wieners.

So like two wise women, Barbara Christine and I proceeded with our travels over to the music source. That’s when my heel got caught on an extension cord and the power strip came out of the wall socket. As I quietly bent over to plug it back in there was a teeny tiny spark and then the power went out in the dining room. I did what any religious holiday-loving Christian would do at this time, I lied. “Oh my goodness, I was just standing here and I saw it spark.” Now I guess that comes in under the category of lying by omission which is more a White Lie than a Standard Issue Lie.

Barbara Christine had vanished. Like magic, right? She just took off and went into the bathroom because of her escalating laughter which was a good choice on her part because I heard one of the priests declare that he would bless Baby Jesus during this small power outage which the teenagers were declaring as some type of miracle.

Barbara Christine and I reconnected later in the food line. Someone had put the jello squares way to close to the crock pot of German potato salad so the red and green layers were rapidly melting. An elderly parishioner who was well-intentioned but irritating kept trying to rearrange the food on the table to make more room. She must have had visual problems because she picked up the platter of partially liquid Jello Jigglers and added them to the cucumber salad while declaring, “We certainly don’t need two bowls of cold salad, now do we!” Makes a person wonder how some elderly people even manage to make it through a day. My guess is it takes a lot of prayer and faith.

While we leaned against a wall eating, Barbara Christine and I had this conversation:

Barbara Christine: So, are you wearing underwear?
Me: Of course, I am.
Barbara Christine: Are they clean?
Me: Yes.
Barbara Christine: Doesn’t it feel great to be caught up on laundry?
Me: Oh, I’m not caught up on laundry.
Barbara Christine: *Audible Gasp*
Me: I’m wearing clean unders, they just aren’t mine.

And I quickly walked away because my abdomen could not handle any more shaking around. And with perfect timing, it was announced that we would now begin singing Christmas carols. We were treated to a fabulous mini-concert by one of our city’s charismatic piano players as he belted out tune after tune after tune.

The final song of the night was Sleigh Ride and the crowd just let ‘er rip. One of the teens from the hosting family had some vintage sleigh bells and we were having one of those unexpected lake effect snows that would have ordinarily upset me because I walked to her house and now there were near white-out conditions, but it fit right in with the festivities.

Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
Over the hills we go …

And as we get to the line, laughing all the way, I hiked up my beaded holiday sweater, stuck my thumb in the waistband of the unders I was wearing and poked Barbara Christine in the ribs to get her attention.

She let out the deepest, hardiest laugh of all times because I was wearing my (then) husband’s Fruit Of The Loom Tighty Whities. Oh yes, I was. Uh huh.

Trust me, I had finished my laundry, but I knew this would be the last thing Barbara Christine ever would expect.

For the first couple of hours of the evening, they were remarkably uncomfortable and really bunchy and I was full of panic that if I slipped in the snow on my walk home and was rendered unconscience and had a compound fracture in my leg there would be a good chance my pants would have to be removed and everyone would wonder why I was wearing these ridiculous tighty whiteys.

Then I realized that I felt secure in my femininity and so what if all the emergency room people saw what I had on … once they heard I wore them to get a laugh from my friend, they would understand.

A few days later when I was checking to see if the mail had arrived I discovered a tiny Victoria’s Secret gift bag between the two front doors. Inside was the oh-my-gosh teeniest red thong. Of course, I knew this was from Barbara Christine.

When I called her she was laughing so hard that all I could hear was wheezing and snorting and I seriously wondered if I should be concerned for her safety. I was finally able to understand the three words she was sputtering, “emergency spare pair.”

**

And, yes I still have “My First Thong” and I keep it right in my underwear drawer close to the front so I can see it right away. I’ve never worn it, partly because it didn’t come with a manual that would explain how I should wear it but mostly because I plan on giving it back to Barbara Christine someday when she is least expecting it. For now, it stays where it is because for me it feels like home.

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shotshell reloader ~ candid re-sale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


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(SOLD)
MEC 600 JR Mark5 Shotshell Reloader
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

Do you trap shoot? Me either.

Do you know someone that does trap shoot? Then tell them about this little gem I’m offering for re-sale.

Here’s how you can easily accomplish that scenario:

“Hey, does Dick still do that trap shooting thing, or was that just a phase, because I saw a sweet ass 600 JR Mark5 Shotshell Reloader on a facebook re-sale page.”

And then you send them a screen cap of this post. Easy peasy trap shoot squeasy.

This item currently retails at Cabela, brand new, at $200.

Well, I’m not Cabela, and this is not brand new so I’m offering it for a drastically reduced price.

But here’s the deal. I was going to list it at a reasonable price and we all know some Dick would come along and say, “Can I take it off your hands for half that price?” Guess what, Dick … I already took the half off in advance. You’re welcome.

And yes, that is a stock photo that I pulled off the world wide web. And I know that is frowned upon, but it is really hard to get a decent picture of the 600 JR Mark5 Shotshell Reloader.

Now, who wants to pony up what it is going to take to move this out of my home because you are about to make some trap shooter’s dream come true.

And that’s just a guess. I don’t know your trap shooter. Or their dreams.

 

 

 

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legit vintage ornaments – candid re-sale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


20151205_143956 (1)(SOLD)
140+ Legit Vintage Ornaments
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

Looking to decorate ala vintage this year? Here, let me help you.

These are truly ornaments from the 1960s and they do show wear. The coloring on them has faded in spots. If you are young and fresh, you need to realize that as a human, this will happen to you someday, too.

There are 70+ gold ornaments and 70+ colored ornaments in a variety of shapes and sizes. You guys, that’s a lot.

I’m guessing that maybe a dozen of the ornaments are missing the little metal dealio that goes on top of the ornament so that you can slip your hook-thing through that region. Maybe a dozen. Maybe more, but not too many more.

Those ornaments without the metal dealio were then displayed lovingly and carefully in a glass basket that is not included. Look, I’m cool but not cool enough to sell all my shit at rock bottom prices.

nativity small

small nativity, children display item – candid re-sale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


nativity small

(SOLD)
Small Nativity, Children’s Display Item
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

It’s hard to put a price on Jesus, but that is exactly what I’m going to do today.

When closed, this little nativity scene is a mere 5.5″ tall and 7″ wide and it can safely house Baby Jesus and his posse. Open, we are looking at a full 14″ inches and that is plenty of room for two sheep, a camel, three wise men, an angel, the obligatory shepherd, and the Holiest of all families, Mary, Joseph, and sweet baby Jesus.

Now this nativity, although it is ridiculously cute and appealing to children of all ages, is more for display than for actual action-type rough-and-tumble biblical reenactment.

Need a little Jesus in your life? Look no further, he’s right here. And as soon as you open your wallet, he can be with you.

Amen.

 

NaBloPoMo November 2015

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baby monitor, three pieces – candid re-sale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


20151128_185410-1(SOLD)
Baby Monitor, three pieces
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

And now you can eavesdrop on your children with greater convenience!

Do you spend your day running your ass off between the kitchen and the laundry room? Are your arms too weak from rocking and nurturing to carry a monitor from room to room to room?

I’m going to tell you that this is life-altering. I’m going to tell you that this is the greatest thing since your first beer after nine months of pregnancy. I’m going to tell you just about anything to get this out of my home.

NaBloPoMo November 2015

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name-brand surround sound – candid-resale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


 

picmonkey_image(SOLD)
Name-Brand Surround Sound System
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

Are you crazy in love with the deep, rich, exciting experience of watching your favorite movies in surround sound? Do you love the sound of scary movies when you feel like the movie’s lead creepy-murdering-guy has just opened the door right behind you?

Well, that’s not going to happen with this system, that’s for sure. There are, however, many speakers and oodles of wires, a special remote, and maybe what looks like a receiver along with an instruction manual. I don’t know. I’m talented in other areas and I cannot figure out this shit, that’s for sure.

So, for the low price of zero dollars, you can take home this what-used-to-be-state-of-the-art-top-notch surround system.

Here are the rules!

1. Don’t ask me if it still works. It did, it used to, and it was delightful in a teen’s bedroom. He thought he was all it and then some. It increased his popularity.

2. I want it gone. Soon. Like for realz, yo. If you say you are going to be here to pick it up, then be here. This is some [potentially] good shit I’m offering here. Don’t string me along with four pick-up times in three days and then just vanish. I used to be super nice. Some of you wore me out and ruined it for everyone else. I’m not super nice anymore, I’m just average nice.

3. Again, I do not know if it works. Got that? If you get it home and it doesn’t work … don’t be mad at me. Re-read this shit and say to yourself, “Bitch said it might not work, she seemed cool though. She’s honest and fair.”

In conclusion, I do not know if this works, I would like it out of my home, don’t jerk me around.

NaBloPoMo November 2015

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baby seat – candid re-sale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.

 


12208296_10208461444520664_5776884587182932101_n(SOLD)
Baby Seat
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

Strap your baby in and tell them they need to kick their legs because these seat is old school.

Gas an issue? This seat has three speeds: none, low, and high. Determine your baby’s gas level … are we talking about a tiny burp, do we need just a little help wiggling it out, set it in low gear. Something a little more intense? Crank it to high and let the good vibrations do their thing.

This chair is obviously well used and batteries are not included (but I did test it with new batteries and it worked great but I’m not giving you my batteries because then I’d have to jack up the price, am I right?. I’m almost begging you to take this from my  home. This just might be exactly what you need to stop your baby from crying. I don’t know your baby, so that’s just a guess and not a guarantee.

NaBloPoMo November 2015

turkey

gratitude, free to a good home – candid re-sale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


 

turkey(SOLD)
Gratitude, free to a good home.
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

Hey, Happy Thanksgiving. Today I am ridiculously and shamelessly grateful for all of you.

This week I have been receiving the most awesome messages via Facebook chat. You guys have been showing me pictures of my stuff in your homes and on your kids and dogs … I couldn’t be happier.

I’ve also received a metric shit ton of compliments on my writing style and, well, that’s [almost] worth more than the money I received from y’all while I’ve been cleaning out my attic.

I’m crazy grateful to C.C. for forcing me to watch her sales go sliding on through my timeline and seducing me into placing my first item. And thanks to H.H. for giving me a legit writing job with a legit Sheboygan business.

And you guys that are giving to those in need, you are beyond wicked cool. You’ve inspired me to reach out to countless others and have privately gifted to items to those who couldn’t throw together enough money for to buy a pot to piss in. Not literally. I did not gift them a pot to piss in but you get what I’m talking about here.

So here’s to us … the thrifters, the givers, the dreamers, and me.

Cheers!

P.S. I’ve only gone through 1/4 of the attic. And when that’s done I’ve got a basement and a storage unit, too.

NaBloPoMo November 2015

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sheets, twin – candid re-sale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


2015-11-21 15.04.14(SOLD)
Twin Sheets
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

Check out these sheets, greenest green you’ve ever seen!

These sheets are ridiculously soft because of the magic of microfiber. No rips, no tears, no obvious worn spots … it is almost as though angels slept on these sheets, just hovering right above and never making contact.

NaBloPoMo November 2015

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two very loud “musical” instruments – candid re-sale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


2015-11-07 12.30.36(SOLD)
Two Very Loud “Musical” Instruments
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

Fisher Price and Little Tikes have combined their efforts in an attempt to drive me insane.

Unfortunately, these two “instruments” are still functioning. Fortunately, I’d love to have them functioning in someone else’s home.

Each one of these gems has a tiny glitch to them, like the bow is missing on the faux violin. And the gee-tahr might have a glitch with the on/off switch.

If your child is young enough to enjoy making noise, they certainly won’t notice those problems. Batteries are not included, you can thank me later for that …

Everyone knows Dave Grohl got his start in a garage band. Let’s move these items out of my home and over to your place so your toddler can get started with his first jam session / play group.

And if this turns into a real thing, I want a solid mention on the album liner notes.

NaBloPoMo November 2015