Friday Foto Finish Fiesta, 2010.01.29

Brace yourself for the sweetest homemade Valentine you’ve ever seen!

 

I told you so!

Directions are super easy.

1. Let your kid pick out what ever clothes they think make them look their best.

2. Print your Valentine message from your computer.

3. Have a super fun photo shoot!

4. Print out as many wallet size pictures you will need.

 

 

 

Friday Foto Finish Fiesta, 2010.01.22

I miss green.

I miss sweaty kids.

I miss being on the swing set.

(Don’t judge me, I like being on the swing set.)

 

And I miss letting my alpaca roam.

(Alright, I don’t have alpaca, but if I did this one would be my favorite.)

Remember when it was warm enough that you could

actually take your snake for a walk?

Yup, I miss green.

 

What do you miss?

Blankets and a Twelve Inch Cross

I ventured out of my zip code yesterday. It was 28 degrees and the sun was shining. I needed fresh air and a fresh perspective. I had the windows open in the back, while I cranked up the vehicle’s heat and the speaker’s volume and drove.

Alright, that plan didn’t last long. I didn’t get cold but the air pressure in the car was making my ears go all wooblie and I couldn’t handle it. But for about three and a half minutes I was in my zone.

I was headed towards a community two zip codes away from mine, I’d been on this road so many times I could have done it with my eyes closed.

Seeing the farms, the shops, and the gas station brought me back to a different point in time.

About ten years ago my friend Barbara Christine and I were the second car to arrive at the scene of a fatal accident. We were in white out blizzard conditions during an unforecasted snow storm. I slowed down before the accident scene, tapping the brakes hoping the person behind me would notice. The deceased person was behind the wheel and my driver’s side window was parallel to his. I’ve seen dead people before, but never with my kids in the back seat.

The first person at the scene had already called 911. I don’t even remember if that was a man or a woman, but I rolled down my window and they approached. The person nodded their head in the direction of the deceased and said they were gone and now there were two goals; one keep the other driver from learning that fact right now and two, prevent any more accidents.

And as I looked at the guy slumped over the wheel, his bloody head arched at a sharp unexpected angle, his vehicle was rear-ended. I saw the body lunge forward, fling backwards towards the seat, and jut forward again over the steering wheel. It happened in real time speed, yet in my mind it keeps occurring in slow motion. I can’t eliminate the memory and I can’t make it speed up so I can hurry through it. The sounds plays out in slow motion, too. There was no squealing of tires because there was zero visibility, just the crashing crinkling crunchy sound of metal collapsing.

I’m probably the last person anyone would call in case of an emergency. Sure, I am the emergency contact on school forms for a bunch of my friends’ kids but by then the emergency has already been resolved and I would be nothing more than a simple Plan B that would hang on to said kid until a parent could step up to the plate.

As I craned my neck to check if it was safe to pull to the side of the road, I saw the young man. This was the first time I saw the driver of the other vehicle, the one from the original crash. I’m guessing he was about 25 years old, medium build, wearing blue coveralls and driving a company truck. His image is burnt in to my mind, too. Only his scene plays out in real time.

He was pacing, mumbling to himself, very animated and drenched. The snow was falling fast and heavy. I quickly parked on what I was hoping was the shoulder of the road. I told Barbara Christine I’d be right back. I think my exact words might have been, “Keep the kids busy.”

I popped open the trunk and grabbed my blankets. I’ve always got blankets in my car. Not any extra boots, not a flashlight, not a gallon of drinking water or a first aid kit, just blankets. These were heavy wool “car” blankets all of them plaid and none of them very big. The purpose of a car blanket is to cover yourself while you are in your car, I don’t know the exact dimensions but they are significantly smaller than regular sized blankets.

I remember running across the highway to the young man. I dried him off with one of the blankets. He bent towards me so I could wipe off  his hair.  I  “dried” him until he straightened up. I think he just wanted to be touched. I convinced him to get back in his vehicle which was in the ditch. I tucked carefully tucked him in under the thick blankets. I did an “exaggerated tuck,” the kind where you scoot the blanket just a little bit underneath the person so they feel tightly tucked in.

I told him to stay in his truck where it was safe. I asked him to sit tight and wait the emergency crew come to him. It was then that he spoke, “I didn’t see him,” my eyes were locked into his as I told him everything was going to be alright. I knew right away it was a lie. Almond shaped, cocoa brown, heavily lidded, black specked eyes. And I lied right into them.

I ran back to my vehicle and Barbara Christine suggested we start driving forward with our flashers going and blaring our horn. Hopefully we’d alert other drivers.

The fatal accident never made it into our newspaper. I didn’t know the names of the victim, the survivor or the first person on the scene. I’ve never forgotten about the crash. The slow motion movie and sounds effects run through my head less often than they used to but not seldom enough for me to be comfortable. I now keep more blankets than before in the back of my vehicle but now they are full sized. If I ever have to tuck someone back in their vehicle I’ll be able to do a better job.

My lie to the young man bothers me. I didn’t know what else I could say. I told him everything was going to be alright. Those were intentional words, carefully chosen. I didn’t say, “It wasn’t your fault,” because that wasn’t up to me to decide but I should have said, “It could have happened to anyone,” that would have been closer to the truth.

If I can be transported ten years backwards with virtually total recall after a glimpse of a twelve inch plastic cross on the side of the road, how can everything be alright for the man in the blue cover alls driving on Highway 23 West during an unforecasted blizzard?

 

Friday Foto Fiesta Friday, 2010.01.15

During late November’s warm-ish spell, Travis took the rest of the kids to the sunny shores of Lake Michigan while his friend took pictures.  My two favorites are the ones on the bottom, their hand prints and a sand angel. Least favorite part is that when I told Trav to grab a hat, he grabbed a girl’s hat. I know, if I wouldn’t have said anything you wouldn’t have noticed.

 

 

If David Copperfield Were Incontinent*

* I wrote this late October, 2007. It has always been one of my favorites and today seemed like a great day to run it for all of you. At the time I wrote this DavidCopperfield (one word) was being investigated for allegedly sexually assaulting a young woman in his warehouse. Today, the investigation has been completed and you can read about it here or here.

It must really be horrible to be famous and have people wanting a chunk of you. I’ve always thought of David Copperfield as a well-groomed man of mystery. I also imagined that he would smell good when he wasn’t working. If he would smell good on the job you would be able to tell where he was going to be next and that would ruin the entire illusion. He would leave a fragrance trail that could expose the exact path he took to get from Point A to Point B.

I’ve got a really good sniffer myself. We’ve got a couple of cats and I can tell as soon as someone takes a leak in one of my VERY clean litter boxes. I am able to detect urine in a baby’s diaper within seconds after its appearance. Basically, if David Copperfield was incontinent I could totally destroy some of his phenomenal illusions.

So back to David Copperfield, which is one of those names where you always have to say the first and last names together every time he is referenced. He is not a David and he is not a Mr. Copperfield. But he is very much a David Copperfield, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, much like David Copperfield, I like stuff. I don’t have warehouses of stuff like he does, but because I don’t have a garage right now I do have a storage unit of stuff.

So the feds have been sifting through David Copperfield’s stuff because he is famous and somebody said something crappy about him. From what I have seen on CNN highlights, our international man of mystery has some way cool stuff. Much more cool than my stuff, but there is no way I would want the feds rifling through my stuff either! I would look suspicious for just about any crime they would want to pin on me. I would be a profiler’s easiest day at the office.

** Hmm, she’s got a decapitated Barbie doll. It appears to be one of the originals but why would she have a naked Barbie with chewed off fingers wrapped in one bag and the head wrapped in a totally separate bag?

** Hmm, here’s a monkey with it’s lips colored brighter red than the original lips were intended.

** Look at these baby dolls, they all have holes punched in the sides of their heads.

If a stranger looked at my stuff I would come across as a self-maiming baby-mutilator with mommy issues where in reality I am less colorful.

** Yeah, Barbie’s head is off. She’s almost fifty and her neck is shot.

** Sure, I tried to recolor my monkey’s mouth once its lips faded from me washing it’s little monkey face.

** Big deal, I tried to pierce my babies’ ears. Who hasn’t?

But peoples’ stuff in storage is private. If there is an investigation going on within David Copperfield’s warehouse I don’t think it is my business to be invited along in for the once over. If given the opportunity I would gawk and stare and tell my friends everything I saw, but I don’t think I should be given the opportunity in the first place. I love my friends dearly, but invite them into my storage unit for a look see? I don’t’ think so.

Stay strong, David Copperfield. I think it must really suck to be you right now. I’ve never been in the spotlight to the degree that you have been, in fact the closest I’ve ever come to a spotlight is the light that goes on when you open the refrigerator door. However, I have had my private life scattered around in a somewhat public manner and it is a miserable thing to have to go through and. I can appreciate the tremendous amount of stress that must be in your life right now. I have no words of wisdom to offer you except that this will pass. Perhaps once the authorities are done with your warehouse and you think there is faint urine odor where some chief of something may have whizzed on your biz, call me and I can help you determine the exact site of contamination.

 

I Once Had Your Body

I wrote this a few years ago, last week I got an email from a reader in Maine requesting I rerun it. I simply sent it to her in an e-mail. Over the weekend I  got an email from a reader in Georgia asking if I still this essay and could I please run it again.

Here it is, a couple years old yet timeless.

 

Once I turn fifty I would like to begin a lecture series, travel from high school to high school maybe even a couple of middle schools. I have things to say that people should hear.

My first topic would be a riveting example of show and tell. I would whisper into the microphone, I once had your body. The crowd would simmer down and settle in, I once had your body, I would repeat it slowly and clearly.

That’s right, I once had naturally firm upper arms and toned legs. My left thigh didn’t even know there was a right thigh because they did not touch each other when I walked.

I had decent hair when I was your age, too. This was before they invented “products”. If we were lucky, we accompanied our mothers to their beauty parlor to get our split ends trimmed. If we weren’t lucky, our mom or someone elses mom trimmed our hair. And our highlights were put in with lemon juice and hours of hard work in the sun. Ionic dryers and molecular rollers weren’t even invented yet.

I, too, had great posture when I was your age and it wasn’t until I became a mom that I developed this slouch. It is a result of maternal-tasking. Because of this glorious slouch, I was able to write a grocery list while feeding a baby a bottle. I could talk on a wall phone (translation: land line connected to a wall jack) and do the dishes while stirring dinner and folding laundry. I carry my slouch with great pride. Your perfect posture might not last, you should enjoy it while you can because I once had your body.

I had a thin waist and tiny hips. I’ve got pictures to prove it, too. O.K., they are black and white pictures, but I’ve got proof. You can tell it is me, my bangs are cut crooked because my mom was busy working two jobs so my grandmother did my haircut.

The hips have now widened, but I needed to have that happen. These hips carried my babies while they were on the inside and they helped me balance these babies once they got to the outside. Appreciate the waist and hips that you have now, I once had your body and I am telling you to take care of it starting right now. But as your mind becomes wiser and your hips become wider, love how you look then as much as how you should love how you look now.

I’ve got something incredible and new that you haven’t even dreamt of yet. It is a fat roll and it comes from having babies and enjoying way too many of life’s sweet treats. My kids grew up thinking it was a body part. Head, neck, arm, fat roll, leg, etc. My kids believe that the fat roll is part of the miracle of childbirth, something special that God only gave to mothers. They know it is what we use to carry our babies until they are ready to breathe regular air.

Love how you look today, enjoy your time. Don’t rush to the next phase. But when you get there, enjoy that time.

Don’t waste your life obsessing on the outside of you, I once had your body, I know it is temporary. Seriously, you don’t need to let yourself go totally to hell with your appearance but it really is the inside of you where the true beauty lies and shines through to the outside.

Years after school, people aren’t going to remember your salon highlights or your perfect Abercrombie sweatshirt with matching fleece scarf combination but they will remember you because of you. So what if your matching bra and unders came from Victoria’s Secret in the perfect shade that matches your nail polish. If your personality makes you unapproachable, what’s the point of coordinating everything else?

Who are you on the inside? Be someone that people want to make eye contact with years later. Don’t be remembered as the one who didn’t think anyone was good enough to be around, be remembered as the one who always had something great to say about everyone. Trust me on this.

Granted, not all cities have the best mall ever or a downtown worth bragging about, but we have grocery stores and about a decade after high school you will bump into someone you know there. If you spend your time obsessing with how you look now while judging others for not looking the way you think they should look, everyone is going to totally overlook you years from now. Don’t challenge me here.

I once had your body and to think of it makes me smile. But it is who I was on the inside that counted the most. I was scared, I was quiet, I watched life go past and I was afraid to participate. But I smiled, I smiled a lot. I was alone but I stayed happy. I didn’t compromise who I was to fit in, I held open doors, helped people with directions, and didn’t realize anyone knew I existed. Until this weekend.

I was volunteering at a local charity event, smiling like a crazy woman during my four hour stint of service and I’ll be dipped, somebody recognized me from high school. It always surprises me when that happens, I had no idea anyone even knew of me. When it was senior picture time I sat there with a complete deck of my wallet size reprints and literally no one to receive them.

I like it when people recognize me from “back in the day” and I am proud that I stayed true to me. I am glad that when people know it is me they stop and say hi and that I am not the kind of person that they stop, dig in their purse, and fake that they didn’t see me so they can avoid conversation.

Like who you are today, hydrate yourself inside and out, drink a lot of water and use a quality moisturizer. Who you are today is the anchor for who you will be later. Be someone people want to talk to when they haven’t seen you for twenty-five years plus. I once had your body, but it is the one I have today that I am the most proud of, fat roll and all.

An Open Letter to Tommy K

Dear Tom,

My staff informed me that you left a comment on this post and it needed to be addressed personally.

I remember it all. Even more than you do.

Roses on Valentine’s Day, always. Your smile made you look like a school boy but your bad ass silver Porsche said otherwise.

Lunches on Tuesday, yes. Remember when I showed up at your store, confessing everything and you thought you could fix it by making a confession of your own? Apples and oranges, Tommy. Apples and oranges.

Let me win in card games? No. But remember when I was encouraging you to institute the asterisk that became GFA?

Better yet, remember that one time I was really drunk? Sure you do, it was after a Rotary Christmas party and we were at the table with four other couples and I had a revelation … I clearly stated, “I am the only one at this table that hasn’t slept with Mary Jane.”

This was the same night I robbed Steve the Banker during Liar’s Dice. Depth Charge, baby. I don’t think I’ve played Liar’s Dice since that night but I can’t think about any game of dice without seeing Mary Jane clenching a quarter between her front teeth. Oooh, and before we had dinner do you remember when you twirled Lizzy Belle with so much enthusiasm she fell flat on her ass on the dance floor. Gotta love a live band. And you’ve got to love Lizzie. She popped right up, danced some more, and never skipped a beat of the song she was singing.

Of course, I remember our pact and I will always be your Care Bear, didn’t we just enter our third decade of friendship? And your Happy New Year’s message from Champ will never, ever be deleted from my cellphone. Can’t share it with anyone, but it’s too sweet to delete. In fact, I was just telling a friend about you a few days ago. Remember the time I asked you, “So what’s the point of anything happening in the woods if no one ever knows about it?” You said, what happens in the woods stays in the woods. My friend disagreed with you. Don’t make me choose between the two of you.

I know why you are here, Tom. This is about Elvis, isn’t it? It’s been a few years since you’ve sang Blue Christmas in my ear. You were so close, your whispered singing gave me goosebumps.  Your rendition of A Very Merry Karen Carpenter Christmas, not so much. And now Elvis just celebrated his if I would have been alive, I’d be seventy-five birthday. Time flies.

Remember when you bought the vintage Elvis book? You wrote a beautiful dedication in the front of the book, pretending you were Elvis revealing for the first time that I was LisaMarie’s sister.

And speaking of books, I know you want to borrow my book for Lizzie. Go ahead, she’s not going to read it anyway. You can borrow it and can make notes in the margins. Hell, use a highlighter if you must. I’ll consider your edits.

Welcome back.

 

 

No. Not Art Clokey, Dammit.

Gumby creator Art Clokey dies at 88

LOS OSOS, Calif. (AP) — Animator Art Clokey, whose bendable creation Gumby became a pop culture phenomenon through decades of toys, revivals and satires, died Friday. He was 88.

I’ve had a crazy love affair with Gumby for as long as I can remember. The fascination never ceased. This tall man has held my heart in his firm green hands for decades. I’ve got Gumby clothes, and Rug Barn Gumby throw (thanks Bev), a Gumby collection right by my kitchen sink, and a Gumby cookie jar.

 

You would expect someone with a gingerbread man body and a perpetual yellow smile  to have a signature fragrance, but it never happened. Maybe now would be the time to introduce a slightly spicy scent in a commemorative decanter for those who are just starting to appreciate Gumby.

I understand that the death of Art Clokey is going to cause a flood of Gumby interest. A new generation will learn the history of that is “Gumbasia.”  I want to go on the record now stating I’ve been doing my part to keep Gumby’s image fresh and crisp.

Don’t even get me started on Pokey. Damn Pokey is what held Gumby back all these years. Gumby coulda been a contender, he could have been someone.  Pokey’s drug addiction is what kept Gumby from accepting roles which may have included these famous lines:

• “Gumby, we have a problem.”  –Apollo Thirteen
• “If you build it, Gumby will come.” –Field of Dreams
• “Beam me up, Mr. Scott.” –Star Trek IV
• “Frankly Gumby, I don’t give a damn.” –Gone with the Wind
• “I love the smell of Gumby in the morning.” — Apocolypse Now
• Gumby, you’re trying to seduce me. Aren’t you? –The Graduate
• Fasten your seatbelts, it’s going to be a Gumby night. –All About Eve
• “Soylent Green is Gumby!” –Soylent Green
• “Nobody puts Gumby in a corner.” –Dirty Dancing
• “Dear eight  pounds sux ounces… new born infant Gumby, don’t even know a word yet. –Talladaga Nights.
• “They call me Mister Gumby!”  –Heat of the Night.
• “I’m as mad as Gumby, and I’m not going to take this anymore!” –Network.
• “You know how to whistle, don’t you, Gumby? You just put your yellow lips together and blow.” –To Have and Have Not

Yeah, don’t even get me started on Pokey.

Rest in peace, Art Clokey.

 

Baby Clothes So Cool, I’m Thinking About Reproducing

Baby needs a new pair of shoes. No seriously, baby needs a new pair of shoes. Check these out.

Not interested in shoe shopping? No problem.

Here’s what I want you to remember … I love sillysouls.com, I like the unexpected slogans that state the facts. Calling your baby a boob man is as old as time, putting those words on baby clothes is fresh and fun.

How long did it take you to realize that your adorable little baby was a fart factory? Tell the world!

Your kids aren’t going to stay baby-sized forever. Have some fun picking out their clothes because before you know it you’ll be forced to look at your teens wearing their own brand of inappropriate slogans.

With categories like urban cool, breast feeding spoof, potty humor, and more you can have fun dressing your child and collecting an entire scrapbook of amazing photographs you will want to share with your baby’s friends at a later point in time.

 

Here’s what Silly Souls would like you to remember: SILLY SOULS TO OPEN FIRST BRICK & MORTAR LOCATION AT LIMELIGHT MARKETPLACE IN MANHATTAN. New York, NY (January 4, 2010) – Silly Souls, maker of sassy and fun baby apparel and accessories, is set to host their first store front location in New York City’s Limelight Marketplace – a premier shopping destination in the heart of Manhattan’s Flatiron district, opening in March 2010.
 
Silly Souls by babygags inc. features captivating catchphrases on its apparel, silly enough to conjure a smile and make shopping for baby apparel and shoes fun for everyone.  The Silly Souls product line includes cotton layette gift sets for kids 0-6 years old, big brother and sister gifts, hats, bibs, bottles, dish sets, birth announcements, socks, an organic selection of bibs and bodysuits, and funny fabulous baby shoes.
 
“At Silly Souls, we believe the little things in life, like a silly joke on the cutest gift, can bring out a smile and youthful side to any soul,” said Shelley Foster, founder of Silly Souls.  “The Limelight Marketplace is a hip, new and modern endeavor, which is a great reflection of our company. We look forward to expanding Silly Souls in such a unique and fun atmosphere.”
 
Silly Souls will be among 60 retailers opening brick-and-mortar locations at Limelight Marketplace, the brainchild of fashion retailer Jack Menashe, who is transforming an historic 163-year-old venue into a three-story “festival of shops,” with elaborate facades and varied designs that invoke the feeling of a stroll down a marvelous European street. Limelight Marketplace welcomes innovative retailers and entrepreneurs, providing a unique “turn-key” solution for start-ups and established brands looking for a presence in the New York City retail market.
 
“We are thrilled to welcome Silly Souls to our growing list of retailers, and are so pleased that our business plan has allowed them to open their first brick and mortar store.” said President Jack Menashe. “With the inclusion of Silly Souls, New York City parents will soon discover an amazing resource for the whole family at Limelight Marketplace.”

 Click link for more information on Limelight Marketplace.

 

 

 

the view from my office, 2010.01.08

A long time ago I earned a paycheck. I put on nice clothes and had my own office. The office had a door that closed and my name was on that door. And if the door was closed no one came in because they all knew that I had more or less an open door policy going on unless the door was closed.
I never had a cup of coffee in my life until I had that job. The woman who trained me said, “I’ll bring you a cup of coffee,” and I didn’t say no. It was Hills Bros. coffee made from a drip coffee pot in the bathroom of the office. The bathroom also held a toaster oven. We couldn’t have a microwave because it would blow out the old fuses.
I was youngish and had tremendous responsibility. I wore a tight skirt and heels every day and at five o’clock when the front door of the office was locked and everyone went home I took off the heels and the panty hose and went barefoot.
There were men that worked in the office, too. I was not their boss; they just rented rooms in the old sad house that was now a place of business. A once grand three story home on the east side of the city had become a run-down office. My room had been a dining room at one point. My boss had the room that was the living room. He had a fireplace. There was real dust on the fake plastic logs.
My boss never learned how to use the new black telephones with the fancy intercoms built right in to the base. The walls were plaster but the quality of the building was low-end and I could hear him trying to use the intercom to call me. I could hear him repeat, “Carrie? Carrie?” and then I could hear the new black telephone slam down on the base as he shouted, “Carrie!”
I dreaded being in my boss’s office. He was a large man that smoked a pipe for too many years. The pipe smoke had significantly stained the wall. One winter my boss put a vaporizer in his office which gave the illusion his walls were bleeding. He never commented on the streaked walls. Neither did I.
When I had a job there weren’t fax machines. We drove paperwork from place to place within our city. Successful offices had couriers, our office had me. I was in my car “couriering” when I learned of the space shuttle crashing. Real people didn’t have cell phones and businesses didn’t have television sets playing headline news.
I was afraid to be alone in the office with my boss. He was in extremely poor health and I knew it would be my dumb luck for him to have a heart attack or something that required mouth to mouth resuscitation. I would be faced with his future resting somewhere near my mouth and the thought of it was terrifying. I had enough respect for him to use his knowledge but not quite enough respect that I would have wanted to be in a life or death situation with my lips dictating his future.
Two men rented office space. One was an amazing, generous, talented young man that has gone on to an equally amazing future. He went to eight years of college to be what he was, I saw him lose his dad and then his mother. I watched him bail his brother out of jail, twice. I met him before his wife did and I know how much he loved her because I saw the entire thing unfold. He’s got a head full of gray hair, lived wisely, and has successful children.
The other rental man has aged terribly. Even though I was young, I could see what drinking too much every day did to your skin and your eyes and your energy. He had two ex-wives and no children. Every day after lunch he would grab a newspaper and spend exactly thirty minutes in the bathroom, 1:30 until 2:00 p.m. And he would never stay in the bathroom to see if his flushing was successful. I think the worst part of being in management was being the one to check if a re-flush was required.
I think another really bad part of management was the first time the company did not have a successful year. I had three women that worked for me. My boss told me I was doing great and I could have a quarter raise as part of my annual review, but when I gave my girls their review I was to give them nothing.
I couldn’t do it. I took my quarter raise and told the bookkeeper to divide my quarter between the three women.

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