PicMonkey Collage

teensy weensy christmas tree -candid resale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


PicMonkey Collage(SOLD)
Teensy Weensy Christmas Tree w/accessories
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

Do you detest the holidays but you really feel that you MUST make an effort so your in-laws aren’t judging?

Let me help you help yourself.  You’ll be leaving here with a 17″ tree, a festive tree skirt, and an assortment of ornaments.

Two “buyer beware” notes:

1. The ornaments, look carefully at the picture. One is missing. Another one is lacking the ornament loopy thing that goes on top. You’ve been warned.

2. If you play holiday music and drink a glass of wine during the three minutes it takes to decorate this tree, there is a chance that you might feel less Scrooge-ish. Again, you’ve been warned.

Let’s get this tree from my home to your home. There is a chance your in-laws might find other reasons to judge you, but that’s on you and not me.

NaBloPoMo November 2015

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thanksgiving tablecloth candid resale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


12278899_10208487740178039_6371777862618169685_n(SOLD)
Thanksgiving Table Cloth
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

In the olden days, I used to give a shit about setting a fancy ass table. Those days are done. I am not a good cook and people are excusing themselves from the dinner table after about seventeen minutes of gorging themselves on my attempt at fine dining.

That’s right, seventeen minutes of eating a Thanksgiving meal that often takes three days to prepare.

Maybe your people are different. Or maybe there is hope that your people will have an iota of gratitude as they seat themselves around your holiday table.

This tablecloth shows no sign of wear/tear and there are no stains because I am a laundry ninja. Enjoy your first Thanksgiving with your like-new tablecloth. And now it is your responsibility to store it during the off-season.

NaBloPoMo November 2015

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hannah montana’s beach home candid resale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


12244555_10208492882346590_5299804690112153187_o(SOLD)
Hannah Montana’s Beach House
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

Who doesn’t remember the year that Hannah Montana was all it and then some!

Well, here we are a just a few years later and your kids (ages 6+) have absolutely no idea that Miley used to be Hannah.

I am not suggesting you actually flat out lie to your children. Never lie to your children, ever. Unless you want to tell them that this is Barbie’s Beach House. They would believe you, too. You’ve never lied to them before and why would you start now, I’ll tell you why. Because this is a ridiculously sweet ass price for a beach home.

Do you need a backstory? Here’s one I suggest you use:

Child age 6+: That is an incredible beach house, who owned this before me?

Parent: I’m not sure. I’ve got a title insurance document that indicates that it had belonged to Billy Ray’s daughter. I know there was a quit claim deed where it seems as though it was transferred to Barbie, a single person. The paper trail gets fuzzy after that, but it is yours now.

BAM! Selling real estate one beach house at a time.

NaBloPoMo November 2015

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doll horse accessories candid resale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


12249796_10208493059351015_9192376504831637001_n(SOLD)
Doll with horse and accessories
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

What child doesn’t want a pony for Christmas!

I’m recommending you claim that you misunderstood their request and offer them this fun package instead!

This is a combination of several Our Generation sets. This cute little pony is in mint condition as are her accessories. That’s two sets right there.

Then we’ve got the western gear this 17″ doll is wearing. Doesn’t she look great? Like a toddler heading out to muck the stalls as though she actually owns her own farm! That’s the third set.

Now, the doll’s body and face are in fantastic condition, along with every other thing in the photograph. But her hair. Let’s talk about her hair. It is not the best. Not at all. I mean, it isn’t horrible hair but it looks better with her hat on. Imagine having perpetual bed hair. That’s her life, she’s lucky she looks good in a hat.

So here’s the deal. Not counting the doll, you’ve got plenty of bucks worth of quality shit right here. You’ve got the pony and accessories and clothes, all in mint condition. I’m throwing in the doll to get her and her hair out of my home.

NaBloPoMo November 2015

 

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megabloks – candid resale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


(11027133_10208418184199183_2739534806349040626_nSOLD)
Megabloks #8466
Sheboygan Wisconsin

The product bag boasts that this set includes 80 pieces, y’all need to know that this bag has 81 pieces but when you are the one bending over and picking up this shit it will truly feel like 181 pieces.

The product bag also boasts that MegaBloks are “Building Minds at Play” by providing social development, fine motor skills, math & science, colors and shapes, confidence, and imagination.

Here’s what I think. Give your toddler MegaBloks and you just bought yourself at least thirty minutes of silence.

NaBloPoMo November 2015

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holiday tablecloth featuring ducks wearing ugly sweaters – candid rsale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.

20151120_114127

(SOLD)
Holiday Tablecloth Featuring Ducks Wearing Ugly Sweaters
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

You know what we aren’t going to talk about? We aren’t going to talk about the fact that I even have this tablecloth.

I bought this.
On purpose.
Before ugly sweaters were even a cool thing.

But why don’t we talk about you … are you hosting an ugly sweater party this year? Are you attending one and you really want to bring a hostess gift that will make you the favorite guest at the ugly sweater party?

Ok, then obviously you need this tablecloth, am I right?

You know what else we aren’t going to talk about? We aren’t going to have a heated debate while we all weigh in on this topic: are these ducks or geese because that is not what’s important right now.

You know what is important? Bragging rights to this sweet Holiday Tablecloth Featuring Ducks Wearing Ugly Sweaters tablecloth. BAM!

 

NaBloPoMo November 2015

jonny-quest-

Quest. Jonny Quest.

233px-Jonny (1)t was 1965, and he was my first crush. Older, wiser, blonde hair, blue eyes, well-traveled. His name was Quest, Jonny Quest. We were from different worlds, he lived inside the television and I didn’t.

I miss Jonny Quest. Now that was one cool ten-year-old and he simply fell off the face of the earth. The series stopped chronicling Jonny’s life in 1965 when he was ten and I was eight. I seriously doubt he even knew I existed, but I knew enough about him to make up for that small detail. His father was a scientific genius, Dr. Benton Quest, and he needed to travel the globe to do his job. Mystery and evil followed their every move.

Jonny and his father were accompanied on their journeys with Dr. Quest’s life partner, Roger Bannon. Now Roger’s nickname was “Race” and I think he chose that moniker himself. It certainly was considered “racey” television for the early to mid-sixties to show an openly gay couple solving crime, not that there is anything wrong with that.

In additional to saving the world, we also witnessed Jonny’s struggles with his two dads. Fortunately, this committed couple saw the need for Jonny to have a friend of his own age so they it appeared as though they purchased Hadji, a peace loving male companion and although it was never clarified, I was under the impression he was Hindu.

We were to expected to believe that Hadji had magical powers, but I never bought into that storyline. I trusted the facts they recited regarding lizard men and corrupt aliens, but the humans having magical powers never sat quite right with me.

This encapsulated retrospective tribute would not be complete without mentioning Jonny’s ultra-intelligent dog, Bandit. Bandit’s crime-solving skills could have shamed Lassie into canine suicide.

I think Jonny’s well-documented childhood blazed the trail for other reality series that are popular today. In fact, Amazing Race attempts to conjure that suspense and drama every season and it is sad to see them fall short.

The voice of Jonny Quest was actually provided by Tim Matheson, the very famous “Otter” from the movie, Animal House. And Tim, if you are out there and you can hear me I want you to know that the public is ready for a Where Are They Now update today’s on my first boyfriend. Quest, Jonny Quest.

jonny-quest-

 

NaBloPoMo November 2015

yoga

why i dress like an athlete

it’s been three months since i’ve been gainfully employed outside of my home. big hair, cute jewelry, sensible shoes, button-up pants are a distant memory. and the grown up conversation is gone, i miss it.

i wait to be saved.

staying at home, the first month

even though i’m not leaving the house, i can still look my best. i took pride in my appearance. clean jeans, decent-ish hair, minimal makeup, but i was ready to go! all those people that said, “let’s get together … just because we aren’t working together doesn’t mean we won’t still be friends!” you know, the usual banter that goes when you leave a job.

they will call and i will be ready. can i meet you in five minutes? you got it!

i wasn’t used to having time off of work. i did every task super quick because i kept thinking i’d be starting a new job soon.

staying at home, the second month

they aren’t calling. no one’s calling. i’ll put on real pants if someone calls. if someone calls, i will pretend that i was going to finish scrubbing the floors and then take a shower. if someone calls, i have six excuses for not wearing real pants. and by not wearing “real pants” i mean i was wearing ridiculously threadbare guitar hero pajama pants. every single day. it became my uniform.

i had gotten so comfortable with myself that i could literally go days without leaving the house. i had secret contests with myself. come on, you made it a full three days in the same clothes before you had to change into jeans to go to the grocery store to buy cheetos so now you can reward yourself by slipping into these threadbare nascar non-pants. you know, the ones with the bleach stains. my hair is longer-ish. sometimes i needed three headbands to keep it in place. i was alright with it.

staying at home, the third month 

the decision was final, i would not be returning to a traditional job. at twelve and fourteen, kids are a lot of work. they actually need more supervision and transportation than they did when they were six and eight. they are in extra curricular activities. cheer. drumline. debate. jazz band. pep band. homework. pick up. drop off.

i’m watching pennies because i am no longer gainfully employed. the need for pants seems far away.

staying at home, the start of my fourth month

i’m writing. i’m writing like my life depends on it. i was born to write. even if i’m not read, i must write.

i’m coming back. i’m finding me. i need to discover a way to write for dollars because i still need an income.

i started selling the contents of my attic. i own over three decades of stuff. not because i’m a hoarder, i’m a semi-regular person and i always thought  “i can use this later” and it is now later. and i’m earning a modest amount of money by selling the things i’ve saved. look at me, i have financial value again. and tomorrow i’ll think about wearing pants.

i’ve been resourceful. i found a way to pimp out my twitter account for paid advertisements. it’s not a lot of money, but it is still money. and i pre-post for 2 am because somehow that seems less dirty, you know?

i’m de-cluttering. and i’m writing while de-cluttering. you can find my re-sale posts here. my re-sale posts have saved me. i write about an item, i sell an item, i get money for that item. literally, i am writing for dollars.

and then i was discovered. i’m writing ad copy.  i’m freelancing. and i’m doing photography. that’s right, with a pocketful of m&ms i am taking pictures and writing words. i am doing what i was meant to do.

now we’re eating more vegetables, there are sit-down dinners. i’m meal planning again. i’m smiling.

i bought athletic clothes. i’m not a runner, but i look like i could be. yoga pants, running tanks, athletic cut sweatshirts.

yoga pants are now my real pants. they are tight, i want my pants tight because they remind me that i have financial value. i need to feel like i am wearing pants.

today, pants and purpose.
tomorrow, the world!

and you can tell your friends that i’ll write for them, too. i’ll bring my a-game and use capital letters.

NaBloPoMo November 2015

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why i love merriam-webster.com

I appreciate the fact that people can die from allergic reactions. I get it. It is really serious. Bee or wasp stings, wheat, lactose, latex, and the dreaded nut intolerance.

I have the inconvenience of an allergy for every season, no big deal. I keep my pockets filled with fresh Kleenex and then I stuff the used Kleenex balls in my sleeves. Just part of being in Wisconsin, I guess. Even better, let’s say it was something my generation does.

I’ve never thought of it this way, but Kleenex balls are not really a thing that has caught on with today’s kids. One quick swipe, barely even a blow and they dispose of their tissue. They wouldn’t think of putting their own snot back on their face much less saving that snot to wipe up more snot later.

And since we are on that topic, handkerchiefs. Webster’s description is a small usually square piece of cloth used for usually personal purposes (as blowing the nose) or as a clothing accessory. How did this idea even get started? I did a minimal background check and Spain, Portugal, France, Asia all claim stake in the origin and there is evidence of this word existing in the 16th century. Holy Boogers, Batman.

I couldn’t help myself, Webster’s description of boogers is that it is a noun, a piece of dried nasal mucus. I know I should act my age, but at merriam-webster.com you can actually click on the word and hear the pronunciation. You know you want to, so I made it easy for you to do by just clicking here.  You’ve got to try that site, you can make someone you’ve never met pronounce incredible words. Yes, I know there is not a real person waiting to pronounce things at my beck and call but it sure is fun to gather all the kids around and make the computer say booger.

Another fun fact is that the word booger has been around since 1866. That means the handkerchief had been ready more than three hundred years before the booger actually got here.

You’re welcome.

photo-1_zps709a0cf7

table top high chair

table-top high chair candid resale

 Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.

(SOLD)
Table-Top High Chair
$5 Sheboygan, Wisconsin

This sturdy, portable high chair is great for traveling during the holidays. I mean, really, you can’t expect your parents to buy a high chair just because you are finally coming home for Thanksgiving. After all these years. With a new girlfriend. That they’ve never met. And a kid.

Come on, be self-sufficient. It’s time.

All it takes is five dollars for your parents to see you’ve finally manned up.

table top high chair

NaBloPoMo November 2015