I met Linda while I was working at a local college, our paths crossed briefly. She had a large, delightfully bearded husband and two young daughters twenty months apart in age, gorgeous children with non-gender-specific names. We had our kids together for an afternoon of lunch and play at their country home.
Linda’s oldest daughter was banging repeatedly on a vintage piano, opening and shutting the cover for the keyboard. At least a dozen times Linda politely told her daughter to stop, but being a toddler, of course, her daughter didn’t stop. And the ending was predictable, the little girl slammed her fingers beneath the clunky keyboard lid.
Linda yelled at her crying daughter, “I told you not to do that! I told you that you were going to get hurt!” She scolded while she got the ice pack. She lectured while she blew her daughter’s tiny nose. Then she scooped her daughter up, grabbed a blanket and sat with her in an antique rocker.
In a very soft voice, Linda told her daughter she was sorry she got angry. She apologized for sounding so scary. “I wish you would have listened to me when I was telling you to stop slamming the piano key lid. I wish I would have taken you away from the piano and put you in the time out chair because then you would not have gotten hurt.”
And then she apologized. She said, “I was angry, but I had every right to be angry. I’m sorry I got mad and raised my voice, but you need to know that there are going to be times that you are going to make more mistakes. Bigger ones than this, mistakes where you will hurt yourself or someone you love. And it doesn’t matter how big the mistake is, I’m here. Don’t ever be afraid to come to me. And someday you’ll be too grown up to sit in my lap but we’ll just sit next to each other. Through thick and thin, I will always love you. Don’t ever be afraid to come to me. Mistakes and are mistakes, plain and simple. It is how we grow. Today you learned why you shouldn’t bang the keyboard cover. See, you’ve learned something today. And I had one more chance to tell you that I’ll always be there for you. No matter what.”
And for the first time, the very first time, at the age of thirty, I was able to fully understand unconditional love. Never in my life had a witnessed such an intimate parent/child moment. And I learned, as a parent, you really should talk to your children about unconditional love.
Even though you feel it, don’t assume they know about it.
Explain it, live it, repeat as often as necessary.
Shantala
December 8, 2015 at 9:56 am (8 years ago)Hi, this is my first time here, and I loved reading this post. 🙂 I have a toddler, and this is a regular conversation at our place, so I can relate to how the mother felt. However, I don’t always explain it as this mother did. I guess I should. Thanks for sharing. 🙂
Parul
December 8, 2015 at 11:00 pm (8 years ago)Wow! Such a lovely story and great narration. Unconditional love should be like this. Clear and forgiving – yet stating that people are there for each other.
Shailaja
December 10, 2015 at 7:35 am (8 years ago)Simply loved this post, because, as a parent who used to yell frequently at her daughter, that’s exactly how I used to react and then soothe the child. I think it’s important for children to see the human side of us, of what we can be and of our frailties too. It helps them bond with us.
becomethevillain
December 10, 2015 at 9:32 am (8 years ago)I love that the mother apologized for her anger but also let the child know that anger is a normal parent reaction to some things. It’s so important to know that parents can make mistakes and apologize as well. And that anger doesn’t mean that the parent doesn’t love…actually usually quite the opposite.
Nancy Lowell
December 10, 2015 at 6:28 pm (8 years ago)What a lovely post. The things we need to do and give to our children are really so simple, but for some of us, so difficult. Even if you’re just paying attention (to your own behavior) you get extra points.