picmonkey_image

name-brand surround sound – candid-resale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


 

picmonkey_image(SOLD)
Name-Brand Surround Sound System
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

Are you crazy in love with the deep, rich, exciting experience of watching your favorite movies in surround sound? Do you love the sound of scary movies when you feel like the movie’s lead creepy-murdering-guy has just opened the door right behind you?

Well, that’s not going to happen with this system, that’s for sure. There are, however, many speakers and oodles of wires, a special remote, and maybe what looks like a receiver along with an instruction manual. I don’t know. I’m talented in other areas and I cannot figure out this shit, that’s for sure.

So, for the low price of zero dollars, you can take home this what-used-to-be-state-of-the-art-top-notch surround system.

Here are the rules!

1. Don’t ask me if it still works. It did, it used to, and it was delightful in a teen’s bedroom. He thought he was all it and then some. It increased his popularity.

2. I want it gone. Soon. Like for realz, yo. If you say you are going to be here to pick it up, then be here. This is some [potentially] good shit I’m offering here. Don’t string me along with four pick-up times in three days and then just vanish. I used to be super nice. Some of you wore me out and ruined it for everyone else. I’m not super nice anymore, I’m just average nice.

3. Again, I do not know if it works. Got that? If you get it home and it doesn’t work … don’t be mad at me. Re-read this shit and say to yourself, “Bitch said it might not work, she seemed cool though. She’s honest and fair.”

In conclusion, I do not know if this works, I would like it out of my home, don’t jerk me around.

NaBloPoMo November 2015

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baby seat – candid re-sale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.

 


12208296_10208461444520664_5776884587182932101_n(SOLD)
Baby Seat
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

Strap your baby in and tell them they need to kick their legs because these seat is old school.

Gas an issue? This seat has three speeds: none, low, and high. Determine your baby’s gas level … are we talking about a tiny burp, do we need just a little help wiggling it out, set it in low gear. Something a little more intense? Crank it to high and let the good vibrations do their thing.

This chair is obviously well used and batteries are not included (but I did test it with new batteries and it worked great but I’m not giving you my batteries because then I’d have to jack up the price, am I right?. I’m almost begging you to take this from my  home. This just might be exactly what you need to stop your baby from crying. I don’t know your baby, so that’s just a guess and not a guarantee.

NaBloPoMo November 2015

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gratitude, free to a good home – candid re-sale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


 

turkey(SOLD)
Gratitude, free to a good home.
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

Hey, Happy Thanksgiving. Today I am ridiculously and shamelessly grateful for all of you.

This week I have been receiving the most awesome messages via Facebook chat. You guys have been showing me pictures of my stuff in your homes and on your kids and dogs … I couldn’t be happier.

I’ve also received a metric shit ton of compliments on my writing style and, well, that’s [almost] worth more than the money I received from y’all while I’ve been cleaning out my attic.

I’m crazy grateful to C.C. for forcing me to watch her sales go sliding on through my timeline and seducing me into placing my first item. And thanks to H.H. for giving me a legit writing job with a legit Sheboygan business.

And you guys that are giving to those in need, you are beyond wicked cool. You’ve inspired me to reach out to countless others and have privately gifted to items to those who couldn’t throw together enough money for to buy a pot to piss in. Not literally. I did not gift them a pot to piss in but you get what I’m talking about here.

So here’s to us … the thrifters, the givers, the dreamers, and me.

Cheers!

P.S. I’ve only gone through 1/4 of the attic. And when that’s done I’ve got a basement and a storage unit, too.

NaBloPoMo November 2015

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sheets, twin – candid re-sale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


2015-11-21 15.04.14(SOLD)
Twin Sheets
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

Check out these sheets, greenest green you’ve ever seen!

These sheets are ridiculously soft because of the magic of microfiber. No rips, no tears, no obvious worn spots … it is almost as though angels slept on these sheets, just hovering right above and never making contact.

NaBloPoMo November 2015

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two very loud “musical” instruments – candid re-sale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


2015-11-07 12.30.36(SOLD)
Two Very Loud “Musical” Instruments
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

Fisher Price and Little Tikes have combined their efforts in an attempt to drive me insane.

Unfortunately, these two “instruments” are still functioning. Fortunately, I’d love to have them functioning in someone else’s home.

Each one of these gems has a tiny glitch to them, like the bow is missing on the faux violin. And the gee-tahr might have a glitch with the on/off switch.

If your child is young enough to enjoy making noise, they certainly won’t notice those problems. Batteries are not included, you can thank me later for that …

Everyone knows Dave Grohl got his start in a garage band. Let’s move these items out of my home and over to your place so your toddler can get started with his first jam session / play group.

And if this turns into a real thing, I want a solid mention on the album liner notes.

NaBloPoMo November 2015

PicMonkey CollagePilgrim

pilgrim costume, you’re welcome – candid re-sale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


 

PicMonkey CollagePilgrim(SOLD)
Pilgrim Costume, you’re welcome.
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

Sometimes when you love your children, I mean really really LOVE your children, you work very hard to make their holiday dreams come true.

Even when that holiday dream means wearing a pilgrim costume to their elementary school’s “authentic” holiday feast.

I used to be that parent. Now, not so much. Now I’m selling the remnants of their childhood dreams for dollars. I have become *that* parent.

What we’ve got here is the finest four piece homemade pilgrim costume from the parenting era that I like to call, “The Time I Gave a Damn.”

I’ve got a couple of kids left at home and they both refused to model this hat. Oh, sure … they pranced around with it on before school this morning but the second I attempted to grab a picture they vanished.

Now, I’m not saying your kid has a head like a basketball and a neck as thick as a roll of Kirkland (shout out to Costco!) paper towel, but if your biggest problem this Thanksgiving was finding a pilgrim hat to fit your child … well, I’ve got you covered.

Cons: Absolutely none.

Pro: One size fits most. I’m saying take off the apron that was loving tied in a back bow and you’ve got plenty of room for even the widest of children. Did I say your child was wide? No. But if they were wide with a head the size of a basketball and a neck as thick as a role of Kirkland paper towel … well, I’ve got you covered.

Pro: These are four separate pieces. That black dress can pave the way to a multitude of costumes. You’ve got the base of your witch costume right there. You need a nun costume for God only knows what, check that off your list. Oh, and that elementary school trip that everyone takes to the Heritage House? Yes, your child can be the best vintage kid ever. Just add a paper sack full of apples, carrots, and a hunk o’ cheese. BAM, you’re done.

Pro: You’ve taken this from my home.

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red four piece ceramic canister set – candid re-sale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


 

20151123_085619(SOLD)
Red Four Piece Ceramic Canister Set
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

Sometimes when you buy Christmas presents, you hide them so well in your attic that you do not find them for years. And that’s all the backstory you are getting on this one.

Stop judging me.

Here’s the deal. This box was unopened but was dented on the side. I opened the box to survey the damage and there (ta da!) is none. Well, none that I can see. Inside the big box are two smaller boxes that are wrapped and sealed shut. I didn’t open any further than the first box.

OK, I justed used a lot of words to say that to the best of my knowledge this entire product is intact. Old, and intact.

Let’s get this out of my home and onto your kitchen counter. Or give it as a Christmas present to someone you love. Or like. Or feel obligated to give them a decent gift but you don’t want to spend more than a couple of bucks on them because you still aren’t sure if they are even getting you a gift.

NaBloPoMo November 2015

meow

holiday door hanger – candid-resale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


meow(SOLD)
Holiday Door Hanger – Cat Themed
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

My cats have been real assholes this year and I’m not going to do any decorating that I think they might enjoy.

Let’s get this out of my home.

I’m not even kidding, let’s do this right meow before I change my mind.

NaBloPoMo November 2015

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holiday tablecloth – candid resale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


20151120_113528(SOLD)
Holiday Tablecloth
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

In another life I had dinner parties, there were fancy people with beautiful clothes and pretty shoes. There was a gorgeous chandelier over the dining room table. There was decent wine and amazing hors d’oeuvre. I had a cleaning lady, too. Life was good.

Life is still [kind of] good. Things change and we move forward. So many uncertainties, and I only know one thing for sure …I do not need to hang on to these holiday table cloths.

Now, I’m not saying you are a pompous ass if you buy these tablecloths. You’d be brilliant because back in the day, I only purchased the finest shit H.C. Prange had to offer.

You really like this tablecloth, don’t you? And the price couldn’t be better, right? Now do me a solid and let us all band together and get these out of my attic and onto your table. Happy holidays, no, really I mean it.

NaBloPoMo November 2015

PicMonkey Collage

teensy weensy christmas tree -candid resale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


PicMonkey Collage(SOLD)
Teensy Weensy Christmas Tree w/accessories
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

Do you detest the holidays but you really feel that you MUST make an effort so your in-laws aren’t judging?

Let me help you help yourself.  You’ll be leaving here with a 17″ tree, a festive tree skirt, and an assortment of ornaments.

Two “buyer beware” notes:

1. The ornaments, look carefully at the picture. One is missing. Another one is lacking the ornament loopy thing that goes on top. You’ve been warned.

2. If you play holiday music and drink a glass of wine during the three minutes it takes to decorate this tree, there is a chance that you might feel less Scrooge-ish. Again, you’ve been warned.

Let’s get this tree from my home to your home. There is a chance your in-laws might find other reasons to judge you, but that’s on you and not me.

NaBloPoMo November 2015