PicMonkey CollagePilgrim

pilgrim costume, you’re welcome – candid re-sale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


 

PicMonkey CollagePilgrim(SOLD)
Pilgrim Costume, you’re welcome.
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

Sometimes when you love your children, I mean really really LOVE your children, you work very hard to make their holiday dreams come true.

Even when that holiday dream means wearing a pilgrim costume to their elementary school’s “authentic” holiday feast.

I used to be that parent. Now, not so much. Now I’m selling the remnants of their childhood dreams for dollars. I have become *that* parent.

What we’ve got here is the finest four piece homemade pilgrim costume from the parenting era that I like to call, “The Time I Gave a Damn.”

I’ve got a couple of kids left at home and they both refused to model this hat. Oh, sure … they pranced around with it on before school this morning but the second I attempted to grab a picture they vanished.

Now, I’m not saying your kid has a head like a basketball and a neck as thick as a roll of Kirkland (shout out to Costco!) paper towel, but if your biggest problem this Thanksgiving was finding a pilgrim hat to fit your child … well, I’ve got you covered.

Cons: Absolutely none.

Pro: One size fits most. I’m saying take off the apron that was loving tied in a back bow and you’ve got plenty of room for even the widest of children. Did I say your child was wide? No. But if they were wide with a head the size of a basketball and a neck as thick as a role of Kirkland paper towel … well, I’ve got you covered.

Pro: These are four separate pieces. That black dress can pave the way to a multitude of costumes. You’ve got the base of your witch costume right there. You need a nun costume for God only knows what, check that off your list. Oh, and that elementary school trip that everyone takes to the Heritage House? Yes, your child can be the best vintage kid ever. Just add a paper sack full of apples, carrots, and a hunk o’ cheese. BAM, you’re done.

Pro: You’ve taken this from my home.

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red four piece ceramic canister set – candid re-sale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


 

20151123_085619(SOLD)
Red Four Piece Ceramic Canister Set
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

Sometimes when you buy Christmas presents, you hide them so well in your attic that you do not find them for years. And that’s all the backstory you are getting on this one.

Stop judging me.

Here’s the deal. This box was unopened but was dented on the side. I opened the box to survey the damage and there (ta da!) is none. Well, none that I can see. Inside the big box are two smaller boxes that are wrapped and sealed shut. I didn’t open any further than the first box.

OK, I justed used a lot of words to say that to the best of my knowledge this entire product is intact. Old, and intact.

Let’s get this out of my home and onto your kitchen counter. Or give it as a Christmas present to someone you love. Or like. Or feel obligated to give them a decent gift but you don’t want to spend more than a couple of bucks on them because you still aren’t sure if they are even getting you a gift.

NaBloPoMo November 2015

meow

holiday door hanger – candid-resale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


meow(SOLD)
Holiday Door Hanger – Cat Themed
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

My cats have been real assholes this year and I’m not going to do any decorating that I think they might enjoy.

Let’s get this out of my home.

I’m not even kidding, let’s do this right meow before I change my mind.

NaBloPoMo November 2015

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holiday tablecloth – candid resale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


20151120_113528(SOLD)
Holiday Tablecloth
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

In another life I had dinner parties, there were fancy people with beautiful clothes and pretty shoes. There was a gorgeous chandelier over the dining room table. There was decent wine and amazing hors d’oeuvre. I had a cleaning lady, too. Life was good.

Life is still [kind of] good. Things change and we move forward. So many uncertainties, and I only know one thing for sure …I do not need to hang on to these holiday table cloths.

Now, I’m not saying you are a pompous ass if you buy these tablecloths. You’d be brilliant because back in the day, I only purchased the finest shit H.C. Prange had to offer.

You really like this tablecloth, don’t you? And the price couldn’t be better, right? Now do me a solid and let us all band together and get these out of my attic and onto your table. Happy holidays, no, really I mean it.

NaBloPoMo November 2015

PicMonkey Collage

teensy weensy christmas tree -candid resale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


PicMonkey Collage(SOLD)
Teensy Weensy Christmas Tree w/accessories
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

Do you detest the holidays but you really feel that you MUST make an effort so your in-laws aren’t judging?

Let me help you help yourself.  You’ll be leaving here with a 17″ tree, a festive tree skirt, and an assortment of ornaments.

Two “buyer beware” notes:

1. The ornaments, look carefully at the picture. One is missing. Another one is lacking the ornament loopy thing that goes on top. You’ve been warned.

2. If you play holiday music and drink a glass of wine during the three minutes it takes to decorate this tree, there is a chance that you might feel less Scrooge-ish. Again, you’ve been warned.

Let’s get this tree from my home to your home. There is a chance your in-laws might find other reasons to judge you, but that’s on you and not me.

NaBloPoMo November 2015

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thanksgiving tablecloth candid resale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


12278899_10208487740178039_6371777862618169685_n(SOLD)
Thanksgiving Table Cloth
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

In the olden days, I used to give a shit about setting a fancy ass table. Those days are done. I am not a good cook and people are excusing themselves from the dinner table after about seventeen minutes of gorging themselves on my attempt at fine dining.

That’s right, seventeen minutes of eating a Thanksgiving meal that often takes three days to prepare.

Maybe your people are different. Or maybe there is hope that your people will have an iota of gratitude as they seat themselves around your holiday table.

This tablecloth shows no sign of wear/tear and there are no stains because I am a laundry ninja. Enjoy your first Thanksgiving with your like-new tablecloth. And now it is your responsibility to store it during the off-season.

NaBloPoMo November 2015

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hannah montana’s beach home candid resale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


12244555_10208492882346590_5299804690112153187_o(SOLD)
Hannah Montana’s Beach House
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

Who doesn’t remember the year that Hannah Montana was all it and then some!

Well, here we are a just a few years later and your kids (ages 6+) have absolutely no idea that Miley used to be Hannah.

I am not suggesting you actually flat out lie to your children. Never lie to your children, ever. Unless you want to tell them that this is Barbie’s Beach House. They would believe you, too. You’ve never lied to them before and why would you start now, I’ll tell you why. Because this is a ridiculously sweet ass price for a beach home.

Do you need a backstory? Here’s one I suggest you use:

Child age 6+: That is an incredible beach house, who owned this before me?

Parent: I’m not sure. I’ve got a title insurance document that indicates that it had belonged to Billy Ray’s daughter. I know there was a quit claim deed where it seems as though it was transferred to Barbie, a single person. The paper trail gets fuzzy after that, but it is yours now.

BAM! Selling real estate one beach house at a time.

NaBloPoMo November 2015

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doll horse accessories candid resale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


12249796_10208493059351015_9192376504831637001_n(SOLD)
Doll with horse and accessories
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

What child doesn’t want a pony for Christmas!

I’m recommending you claim that you misunderstood their request and offer them this fun package instead!

This is a combination of several Our Generation sets. This cute little pony is in mint condition as are her accessories. That’s two sets right there.

Then we’ve got the western gear this 17″ doll is wearing. Doesn’t she look great? Like a toddler heading out to muck the stalls as though she actually owns her own farm! That’s the third set.

Now, the doll’s body and face are in fantastic condition, along with every other thing in the photograph. But her hair. Let’s talk about her hair. It is not the best. Not at all. I mean, it isn’t horrible hair but it looks better with her hat on. Imagine having perpetual bed hair. That’s her life, she’s lucky she looks good in a hat.

So here’s the deal. Not counting the doll, you’ve got plenty of bucks worth of quality shit right here. You’ve got the pony and accessories and clothes, all in mint condition. I’m throwing in the doll to get her and her hair out of my home.

NaBloPoMo November 2015

 

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megabloks – candid resale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.


(11027133_10208418184199183_2739534806349040626_nSOLD)
Megabloks #8466
Sheboygan Wisconsin

The product bag boasts that this set includes 80 pieces, y’all need to know that this bag has 81 pieces but when you are the one bending over and picking up this shit it will truly feel like 181 pieces.

The product bag also boasts that MegaBloks are “Building Minds at Play” by providing social development, fine motor skills, math & science, colors and shapes, confidence, and imagination.

Here’s what I think. Give your toddler MegaBloks and you just bought yourself at least thirty minutes of silence.

NaBloPoMo November 2015

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holiday tablecloth featuring ducks wearing ugly sweaters – candid rsale

Just like your city, my city has a multitude of Facebook groups where you can post your buy/sell/iso items. These are my actual posts. I removed some of the details, but these are my items listed for sale along with my pictures partnered with my words.

20151120_114127

(SOLD)
Holiday Tablecloth Featuring Ducks Wearing Ugly Sweaters
Sheboygan, Wisconsin

You know what we aren’t going to talk about? We aren’t going to talk about the fact that I even have this tablecloth.

I bought this.
On purpose.
Before ugly sweaters were even a cool thing.

But why don’t we talk about you … are you hosting an ugly sweater party this year? Are you attending one and you really want to bring a hostess gift that will make you the favorite guest at the ugly sweater party?

Ok, then obviously you need this tablecloth, am I right?

You know what else we aren’t going to talk about? We aren’t going to have a heated debate while we all weigh in on this topic: are these ducks or geese because that is not what’s important right now.

You know what is important? Bragging rights to this sweet Holiday Tablecloth Featuring Ducks Wearing Ugly Sweaters tablecloth. BAM!

 

NaBloPoMo November 2015