I was trying to find socks for my daughter. She’ll be thirteen in January and wears a size 10.5 shoe. She didn’t fit in the traditionally-sized socks, we needed industrial-sized socks. Well, all the fun socks were only in the smaller sizes. I continued to the styles and part my way through the colorful sea of socks hoping to find something that would be fashionable yet still giant-sized.
A woman came up to me and said, “I hate to interrupt, but could you tell me where to find leggings?”
“I’m not a clerk,” I laughed. “This happens often, but I know leggings and tights are right around the corner.”
The woman told me she had two grown daughters and now they have an eight-year-old girl that loved to wear skirts. I told her that I thought the leggings were a better deal at the competition. They were a buck more a pair but would probably last through the season.
I understood, my six kids ranged between 34 and 12. I told her I never thought that at my age I’d still be hunting for the practical socks that would be cute enough for my middle school kid. We continued our small talk and discovered a few more things we had in common.
I really needed to get going, school was going to be dismissed soon and I needed groceries. And had to get dinner started. Sure, Haley takes the bus but I really try to be there when she gets home. My mind was really wandering now, I started making a “to do” list in my head while I smiled at her without really paying attention to her words.
She touched my arm. “Thank you for listening to me babble,” she said quietly. “I guess I’d better let you go now.”
I was just about to make a run for it when I noticed she was trying not to cry.
She revealed that she had been dreading the upcoming holiday season. Her middle daughter was in her early twenties and was in Iraq. This would be their first holiday apart. Her older daughter was enlisted in the Army, too, and considered herself to be a “lifer.” She said she was glad to know in advance her oldest daughter was ready to commit to remaining enlisted because the anxiety of whether or not she would reenlist is often too much to bear.
She said people never know what to say to parents that have kids in the service. Friends and family focus on the eight-year-old and often say, how nice that you still have a child at home. She said this was confusing, do people just stop asking about adult children in general? Or only adult children that are in the service? She wasn’t sure. And the daughter that chose the military as her career, she said no one ever asks about her anymore.
So I asked, “Do you have a picture?”
And we scooted our shopping carts to the shoe region of the store, parallel parking them by the slippers and sat by the endcap of last summer’s sandals that were drastically reduced to ninety percent of their original price. Her wallet was bulging with coupons, recipes, appointment cards, post it notes and of course, pictures. I sat on the backless yellow bench, ready for the long haul.
I asked questions. And then I listened with intent. She talked about the care packages she’s sent and how she includes incidentals for her daughters’ bunkmates. She laughed about the videos of “her kids and their friends” and how she’s glad her adult children seem to be surrounded, for the most part, by loving and caring individuals.
Think about it, this is not any different than how we conduct ourselves with our adult children. When she seemed honestly content about our conversation and I had absolutely no further questions, we parted way. There was an awkward type half-hug situation as she thanked me.
She needed to talk as much as I needed to listen. That’s all she needed right there and then. And she deserved it. Simple, right? A parent wanting to talk about her adult children. We often ask our friends how their adult children are doing in college. And we ask our friends if their adult children are spending the holidays with them. And if the children are in the military, do we actually hesitate to ask to ask about them? Is it because we already thanked the parent for their child’s service and now our role is done?
With Veterans Day right around the corner flags will be flying high and our patriotism will be at a glorious peak as our past servicemen and women will be honored from coast to coast. Let those flags also serve as a daily reminder, and not just on November 11, that you should consider asking your friends, acquaintances, or co-workers about their children in the military.
Ask, and then listen with intent.
